Chick Flicks and a Loss of Manliness

So my office was a sponsor of the movie Mamma Mia! I didn't know anything about the movie... only that some girl was on the poster with a bright smile and a flowing dress... which usually means chick flick. Most of the time, chick flick, for me, means to find something better to do with two hours of your life. Now, I'll be honest. I don't hate ALL chick flicks... just MOST of them. I was really bored to watch the ones I do like... but they just aren't something I would choose to watch. Mamma Mia was no different.

Well, our office is sponsoring the movie. The result of the sponsoring was a free ticket to a pre-opening night screening for every employee. That wasn't enough to sway me... my toenail clipping time took priority over a free movie - ESPECIALLY chick flicks. Then my boss (yes, the one who has been blogged about recently) offered to pay for my dinner just so he wouldn't be the only guy there. Free dinner, free movie... I can deal with that.

There were two bad things about the movie - First, Pierce Brosnan can't sing. Not a single note. It's one of those things where you know he can't sing... you just can't visualize a former James Bond singing ABBA songs. But he's terrible. I'd rather listen to New Kids On The Block Sings The Blues. The movie was tolerable until he opened his non-singing lips. Then it went downhill quickly.

Speaking of downhill, there was one other thing wrong with the movie. The ending. The ending wasn't a bad one. It was the amount of singing towards the end that was killing me. Throughout the movie, it wasn't too overwhelming. But the last half hour, there was so much singing that I was ready to drive my forehead through a brick wall just so I didn't have to hear it anymore.

All of that said, it wasn't a bad movie. There were funny parts and cute parts and even a little bit of action. Outside of Pierce's singing, his acting wasn't that bad... and neither was the rest of the cast. My official rating of the movie - 2.5 out of 5 stars. (And btw - the movie was based on ABBA songs... is it bad that after seeing the movie, the ONLY ABBA song I recognized was still Dancing Queen? Is it bad that I was even happier I didn't grow up listening to them? I mean it was fun, but to have to hear it on a regular basis... )

Of course, this movie makes me wonder - why do guys hate chick flicks so much? Or am I the only guy who hates them? Maybe it's because they defy everything that is masculine? I mean... most of my movies have crass jokes, probably a sex scene or at least a really long topless scene, some action and maybe some blood. A chick flick plot has something to do with a relationship that went sour and how it was fixed. A d*ck flick plot has something do with their best friend getting killed and getting revenge. I definitely fall into the other category... and after seeing Mamma Mia, I think I need to watch the entire Rocky series backed by Alien and Predator movies until my chest hairs grow back.

Fakes, Phonies, and Borderline Racists (Venting Time!)

Today could've been a day where I threw my boss out a second story window... but I didn't do it.

I wanted to... but I didn't.

I wanted to do it, because he said some sh*t that he shouldn't have. And it's the second time in a week where someone I worked with said some sh*t. And it's only my fourth week.

The first time (which actually followed a series of times not directed to me but said around me), my co-worker called me "dawg." It happened so quickly that I didn't know what to say or how to respond. So I didn't. She also says "nahmean?" and "word." And she is one of the whitest people I know. She speaks the Queen's English and listens to the B-52s. The ONLY person she talks like that around is ME. She clearly feels like she has to adjust her normal grammar around the black guy. The most recent time she got me was when we worked together on a project and made it through successfully a lot quicker than we thought. I said "Hell yeah!" She said the same. Then she put her hand out to me to give me dap. And I did it back without thinking about it! DAMMIT! So before I had a chance to let it digest, I asked her if she says the same things around me that she does to everyone else. She said "Of course!" I challenged her on that, and she got the idea and said she'd watch that next time. Today, we were free and clear of any of that sh*t. Cool.

Today was a different challenge. My melanin-deficient boss decided to come out of his office and socialize with us. We were talking about another co-worker's car. Apparently, he drives one of those Scion cars that is shaped like a toaster. And not only that, but the thing is lime green too. My boss said something about the co-worker being secure enough in his manhood to drive it. I said I'd never drive something like that. He said, "Not unless it has some 22s on it, huh?" And he busts out laughing. I looked at my co-workers and they nervously laughed as I did. HE thought he just told the greatest joke on the planet and walked off. So I followed him into his office.

I asked him why he said that. He said he thought it was funny and asked if I did too. I asked him if he would've said anything like that to a co-worker... maybe one of the two white females I worked with. He said no, and I asked him why not. He didn't answer. I told him that I have two college degrees, have been a professional in the field for four years, talks just like he does, and even has the same eclectic music taste he does. I asked him what made him think that kind of joke would fly with me. Again, no answer. Before the silence got too awkward, I told him that I'm not angry, but his joke was a bit racist and he needs to keep it to himself. He apologized that I was offended and didn't see how it could've been racist. I told him that the day that he, his wife, or any of the others in our office drives on 22s, THEN it wouldn't be racist. But reserving those jokes for the black guy is. Again, he apologized, but this time, he said that maybe it was out of line and it won't happen again. I thanked him, and left.

Now this situation could've been a lot worse. I really wanted to take my keyboard and smack him in his grill with it. And not only because of what he said... I just have a problem with people who act differently with one person than they would another... because of a PERCEIVED difference. And I've always gotten along better with people who are true to themselves, no matter how dorky or ugly they might be. Here's an example.

Justin Timberlake gets on my m*thaf*ckin nerves. It's not that his music is bad... actually, it is pretty terrible. But it's that he's a fake. He's a phony. He'll walk around sounding like what he THINKS black people should sound like, because he thinks that's cool. How do I know that he's a fake? Watch the video of what happened when he was got Punk'd:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-14EtDvp3w




DAMN!!! A person who thinks he's thugged out won't lose his thuggishness when he's scared! He called his mama and started to cry!!! WHAT THE F*CK?!

Now his former partner in crime, JC Chasez is a cool dude! Have you seen him on America's Best Dance Crew? He wears some of the ugliest sh*t on the planet! He's like the male Paula Abdul! He wears ugly bowties and ugly shirts... but the best part is that he is totally comfortable wearing it! You know good and well that he wore that before the cameras were rolling and after they stopped. Now THAT is someone that is comfortable in his own skin. THAT is someone who is going to treat everyone the same! I could see Justin Tims saying anything that my co-workers did and then changing it up to socialize with someone else... I don't see JC rolling like that though... and that's a GOOD thing!

Blessings for the Penis

How many people know who the guy is in the picture above? Don't worry. No one can see you if you do.

For those that don't know, his born name is Clifton Todd Britt. Mr. Britt is a graduate of Syracuse University, a member of Omega Psi Phi fraternity, and was smart enough to land a spot as a stock broker within six months of graduating from college. He even did some modeling and acting in small parts on the side. But that wasn't making the ends meet.

This educated brotha decided to take his chances and move from the east coast to the west coast in pursuit of greater acting possibilities. And that is exactly what he found. Mr. Britt cashed in on his good looks and his LARGE personality (oh yeah... and his 11 x 7 incher) and gave himself the stage name that you may recognize as Lexington Steele.

I say the guy is smart, but he REALLY is a smart dude - he has a very keen business sense. He started in porn acting, but he is now also a director and producer of his movies. What does that mean? It means he stars in some of his movies, he picks who is "acting" in them, he guides the movie as he sees fit, he controls how his image is portrayed, and he's making serious bucks from the porn world.

Why am I focusing on his brains?

Because he said something that he clearly thought long and hard about (no pun intended). I came across a quote of his that has me really wondering about some things.

One of the things about Mr. Britt/Mr. Steele is that he is not only intelligent, but he's deeply religious. He grew up in a Baptist household and carries his religious beliefs with him everyday, in regards to being a believer AND a porn star. Check out one of his statements:

"Yes, I am religious. I am Christian, Baptist. I grew up in as close to a Cosby-show lifestyle as you can get. Doing porno, on a repeated basis, I am committing Coitus interruptus like Onan. I'm not married, so I'm fornicating for a living. I'm paid to have sex, which means what? I'm prostituting by definition. These are things I have to reckon with my God on a daily basis. I knowingly do these things.

"My decision to do porno has forced me to take my religion within. Because of my job I am stronger in my relationship with God, because now I take God with me everywhere I go; if I don't, I'll fail. I didn't know that God blessed me with an abnormally large penis that allows me to make porno. But I feel blessed. I believe I am blessed because I am meant to please one woman for the rest of our lives together. True, I haven't met her yet."

He also said this:

"People who are spiritual, like myself, we carry our spirituality inside of ourselves. I don't believe any institution has any hierarchy on my personal relationship with God. I have been blessed with physical attributes that have allowed me to provide entertainment. What I do is not illegal, so I am not at odds with anything. I'm not married so I am not committing adultery. If I be damned for fornication, then I am no much unlike then the billions of people who walk this earth today."

Wow.

Here's my interpretation of what Mr. Steele just said. He said that he knows and believes he is meant to please one woman, but because he's blessed with a big penis, he's going to use it to entertain. He also said that if he's fornicating, he's just like billions of others... which almost sounds like the "everyone else is doing it, so I'll do it too" argument.

(I'm not sure, but didn't God strike down cities that were guilty of fornication? To me, that's a sign that says that if you believe, you shouldn't whip it out for money or for free. But that's me. And that's not the point.)

Mr. Steele is even more astonishing, because, given his degree, looks, and previous career doing other things, it's not like he didn't have options. He could've done ANYTHING, but made the clear and conscious decision to make his money in the sex industry.

I don't find this much different from the music artist who raps about the love of drugs, hoes, and guns... and then thanks God for hooking them up with awards and prizes. It almost seems like a justification of a lifestyle. They have physical and mental attributes that will help them make money. And because they have the attributes and are using them a lot, God must have wanted it to be that way.

So here are my questions... Do you think that Mr. Britt/Mr. Steele and others use God to justify inappropriate actions, or are they all right? To what extent should a belief in a higher power influence an occupation and what a person does to keep the bills paid and stay alive? Maybe one of these days, I'll have an answer... but today, I'll just think about it and revisit later...

Why I Celebrated Independence Day

I know, in advance, that not everyone is going to agree with this list. That said, here goes...

Every year, I get frustrated by Independence Day. I don't get frustrated with the holiday itself, but because of the significant number of people who decide to rail against the country on the 4th of July. It's not just black people who do it... it's a good portion of the Spanish speaking population, the Asian community, and the Native American/Indian community. The arguments are pretty much the same across the board... black people were slaves when the country was "freed", so we shouldn't celebrate it. White people gave it the old college try to eliminate Mexicans, Indians, and Asians from the planet and got pretty close with the Indians.

Those are ALL valid points. However...

Nearly every holiday that celebrates races other than whites have never been widely celebrated by races outside of whites, but non-whites are the first to b*tch about the evils of Independence Day. The question that I always have is one that has yet to be answered...

If America is that evil, where else would you rather be? If you'd rather be somewhere else that you consider "better", why not go?

If you have that much of a problem with Independence Day, why not do your best to go to work instead, and stop taking part in our nationwide grilling of chicken, pigs, and cows?

Keep in mind, I am no patriot. I don't have a flag posted in my front yard. I'm not going to rip other people for saying their country is better than ours. Hell, I don't even like baseball or apple pie. I do, however, appreciate the fact that, at this point in time, we (as in everyone, not just black people) enjoy a lot of things that can't be enjoyed in other countries. So here we go... my own personal top 10 reasons to love the US of A (in no particular order).

1) Freedom of Speech - George Bush is a c*ck s*cking m*therf*cker! If his face was on fire, I wouldn't p*ss on it to put it out! F*ck him and the horse he rode in on that his daddy gave him!

Now I might have meant every word of that. I might have said it just for shock value. You might love that I said it. You might delete me from your list. But I have every right to say that without going to jail for it. I have every right to say that without having to worry about being executed for railing against the government. Folks, that's an American thing and it has been for a couple hundred years. Don Imus had every right to call the Rutgers basketball team a bunch of nappy-headed hos, but we also had the right to force him out of his job because of it. Had he said something that heated about government officials in other countries that aren't interested in freedom of speech...

2) Diversity - Black, White, Red, Yellow, Brown. Gay, straight, everything in between. Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Atheist, and every other religion. We're all here. We may not be able to co-exist in some places, but we are here. There are no government rules or regulations saying that you can't be who you are or worship in a non-Christian way. Gotta love America.

3) Stability - Pop quiz. Name one country whose government has not been overthrown in the last 200+ years? Answer: The United States.

Name another...

Answer: Other than Antarctica, there isn't another.

As frustrating as it may be, the country's foundation exists, because it works. It moves at a snail's pace, and it has for hundreds of years. If the country were based on movement toward radical views during tragic times, we wouldn't be as free to express and enjoy ourselves as we are right now.

4) Food - What can I say? Italian food is great. Mexican is great. But I love my hamburgers and New England clam chowder. Barbeque makes my taste buds have orgasms. Life doesn't get much better than Cajun and Creole dishes. I'll eat everything else, but I'll always come back to good, old fashioned American food.

5) Music - Speaking of things that are all-American, rap is an all-American musical genre. It was invented here, and it's worldwide. It's impossible to hear some dude in France trying to rap without calling him a wannabe with too much time on his hands. Country and Blues are also American genres too. The BB Kings and Ray Charleses that sang about how terrible the country is still celebrated Independence Day... and they probably had it a lot worse than any of us did.

6) Attorneys - This one tickles me every time. Only in America can you find an attorney to help you sue a restaurant for making their coffee hot. Only in America can you find thousands of attorneys that will help you get out of jail for killing twenty people AFTER you left letters and pictures saying you did it. This country has more attorneys than the rest of the world combined... and there is absolutely no fear of over-saturation in the legal field. In this country, nearly everything can be defended and nearly everything can be legally prosecuted. Hmmm... maybe I went into the wrong business...

7) Sports - Football is the biggest sport in this country... at least right now. Other than Canada, no other country has their own football league (World League doesn't count, because it was founded by the NFL). NASCAR is quickly climbing as the second biggest American sport... and NASCAR, like the NFL, was invented here. America has the MLB for baseball, and is arrogant enough to call the winner of the season the World Series Champs (it only plays against American and Canadian teams. On top of that, America got spanked in the Baseball World Cup... so you have to kind of be amused by the level of arrogance... but that's besides the point). Because I'm such a football fan, I have to love America even more for broadcasting college football, pro football, arena football, some Canadian football games, and even high school games.

8) Entertainment - I'm sorry, but I think the country would be a lot different if we didn't have shows like Springer, Maury, and any of the seemingly hundreds of judge shows on television... and not necessarily in a good way. In short, America loves smut. I watch smut. I hate myself for watching it, and I feel my braincells dying when I watch it. But it's still entertaining. I don't know a lot about the smut levels in other countries, but it's just right for the US of A.

9) Holidays - Memorial Day, Labor Day, Lincoln's Birthday, Columbus Day, Independence Day, and MLK Jr Day are all nationally recognized holidays... and those are just the ones that are ON the calendar! Whether people like them or hate them, they STILL celebrate them! On top of that, people actually celebrate smaller "holidays" like Arbor Day and Elvis's birthday. America is a partying country, and we'll make up any reason to have a party dammit!

10) Technology - There aren't very many countries that are ahead of us in the technological field. Our tech expertise allows me to tell you why I love this country, and it allows you to tell me why I'm right or wrong. It allows me to broadcast my reasons on CBS if I wanted to, and it allows me to use my Blackberry to send this blog to each of you.

So those are my ten reasons to love being here. I could've thought of more reasons, but 10 seems to be the perfect number. No, black people weren't represented when Independence Day was originally a concept. But we have the freedoms now. And we can tell the government how we feel to make it an even better country. And that's a lot more independence than in other countries. Now excuse me while I finish off the holiday weekend with more burgers and Budweiser.

The World Without You

I just finished reading the book The World Without Us, by Alan Weisman, for the second time. It's not often that I read a new book twice, back to back, but this one needed it. It's one of the deepest books I've read in a long time, and it took me a couple readings to really understand where he was going. Once I did that, the book became even more incredible.

The premise of the book is to imagine a world without human life... not from the beginning of time, but from right now. Imagine if people somehow vanished from Earth. What would happen to the planet? That question is what Weisman answers throughout. Clearly, the book is entirely hypothesis... BUT the "answers" are based on Weisman's vast scientific background, as well as the research provided by others. In answering the question, he wonders about species of plants and animals that are extinct, close to extinct, and currently in perfect condition. He wonders about the decomposition of man-made materials and infrastructure. He takes into account global warming and even a belief in God/s. I HIGHLY recommend the book to anyone who is interested in books based on theory and research.

That said, after reading the book, I went off in a different direction. What would the world be like without ME? The answer is a pretty far reaching one, and I'll blog about that another time. But think about this for a minute...

What would the world be like without YOU?

Most of the time, people think about what they'd like to do with their lives, but not many people think about how their own personal stamp on the world would be felt if they no longer existed. So think for a minute... think about all of the people you have met; your job; your dreams; your kids, family, and friends; the things you have already done in your life...

If you were to just disappear tomorrow and life continued with the things you have done but without your presence and project that out... what would the world that you left be like? What would happen to all of the things listed above if you were no longer here? How would your personal stamp on the planet look tomorrow? 1-5 years from now? 10 years? 50-100 years? When thinking about this, try to have some fun with it!

Feel free to comment on this one. I'm still digesting this...

Oh yeah... for more information on the author and the book, click the link/s below.

http://www.worldwithoutus.com/index2.html

http://www.worldwithoutus.com/did_you_know.html

My Weird Co-Worker (When Cheating Isn't Cheating??)

So yesterday was the second day of my new job. I have two co-workers who talk a lot, which is good. However, one talks too much about things most people wouldn't talk about to someone they have known for just a couple hours.

For the sake of conversation, we'll call the co-workers Myra and MB. I'm sitting at my desk, and I hear Myra talking to MB. I'm not paying a bit of attention to the conversation... I'm off in my own world studying some finance documents. Then I hear Myra saying my name... once... then twice... I figured she didn't realize I was ignoring her, so I turned around after the third time. Then she tells me that she feels like she needs to tell me something, so I can understand conversations and I don't think she's a total hooch. (Yes, she said hooch. But MB says words like "anywhooski," so I'm numb to that sh*t already).

Myra continues and tells me that her husband has two kids, age 15 and 11, that live in Honduras. Lately, he has been expressing a strong desire to go back to Honduras. Because of this desire, along with his lack of interest in having any more kids, the two are going through an annullment (they're Catholic). Now this is where it gets weird.

She goes on to say that even though they are getting divorced, they are still really good friends that live together. So since they are good friends, she's seeing other people and currently has a boyfriend. Her husband doesn't know she has a boyfriend, and she is NEVER going to tell him that she has one. But she has one nonetheless.

So I was a little ummmm... surprised by this. And of course, I have questions. My first one is if she has a boyfriend, and she's living with her husband, what do they do when they wanna get down. But since I don't know her like that, I didn't ask her. But I did ask her if she thought it was cheating, and she said no. She said it's not cheating, because even though they live together and are still married, they aren't together. And because they aren't together, it's not cheating even if it's happening under his nose.

So I'm biting my tongue so hard it's starting to bleed. I stop biting and ask her a question. "Since you're seeing someone, it's okay for him to start doing his thing too, right?"

She looks me dead in the eye and says "If he started seeing someone else, I'd probably kill him."

I turned back to my computer and focused my attention elsewhere.

Yeah...

So basically, she acknowledged she's still in a relationship, but happily is involved with someone else. She took a lot of time to say why it's not cheating, but also said that she wouldn't tolerate that from her guy. And she's known me for two working days. And she told me that so that I wouldn't think she was a hooch when she was talking about a guy other than hubby.

Wow.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned at the ripe old age of 30. But....

If it takes you more than 3 minutes to put together a "logical" explanation of why it's not cheating, it's cheating.

If you feel like you have to hide some shit from your significant other that happened while you were with your significant other, it's cheating.

If you wouldn't allow your significant other to do the same sh*t you're doing, it's cheating.

Am I wrong on this? Does this girl have some serious issues, or am I too old-school?

On top of that, would you tell a co-worker that you don't know from a can of paint some sh*t like that??

Today was my third day at work, and I already know this is going to be interesting.

My 80s (Throwback)

There was a show that I saw on TV not too long ago that was talking about the music that defined a decade. It was definitely one of the more interesting shows, as music makes my world go around. However, I did notice something that didn't seem completely correct...

I was born in 1978. That means that I pretty much grew up in the 80s. The show said that the 80s were defined by Cindi Lauper, Madonna, The Bengals, the B-52s. Neon clothes and big hair defined the styles used in videos. All of it, to be sure, did define part of the 80s.

But not my 80s.

What do I mean?

I think I was meant to be an 80s rapper. That's what I mean.
See, while the show focused on the music that was playing in the burbs, my friends and I were wearing running suits and tennis shoes with no laces in them. When I was in elementary school, I used to hang with a bunch of dudes that called themselves the FMC (long story). Our "crew" had four people. Me, Duane, Cebo, and David. David used to carry a big platform. Cebo carried the boombox on his shoulder, and I carried the bag full of D batteries. Duane was the one with the jheri curl that could dance better than any of us. We'd walk up and down the street layin out the platform and trying to out-breakdance each other. And every now and then, other crews would want to battle. At the end of the day, we'd either win or lose, then learn or teach some new moves to the other crews. I really didn't have coordination to do any "choreography" but the moves I could do, no one could do it better. The backspin and the windmill. I could do them all day without throwing up. I could get my body to jump a foot off the ground in the middle of a spin. I was the KING of those moves.

The music that was coming out of our boombox? It sure as hell wasn't Peter Gabriel or The Police. Nothing against them. Try Cool J. Afrika Bambaata. Ice-T. Run DMC. Beastie Boys. As terrible as they may be, we spent most of our time copying the moves we saw on Krush Groove, Beat Street, and Breakin (and of course, Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo). That's the music that defined us. That's the music that defined our generation. That's the music that isn't counted as part of the 80s generation - rather, it's seen as a subtext and categorized ONLY as old school rap.

I'll admit that I'm so much a part of the 80s rap scene, that I can't stop listening now. I mean I can go to a club and get my groove on to pretty much anything they play. But when I get back in my car, I'm popping in a Cool J or Run DMC CD. Seriously. That's the music I connect to. I'm okay with Jay Z. But I'm REALLY down with Grandmaster Flash, or Doug E Fresh. I don't care about Sean John clothes, but give me a Kangol and four finger ring and I'll rock that all day and night!

Now excuse me while I go outside with some Eric B and Rakim. Time to take some suckas to school.

Why I'm Worried About Barack

Sorry it's been a while since the last blog. Some things have been going on that have kept me off the pages. However, I do have a few thoughts, and I'm not sure if they are shared.

We're still high on Barack Obama being the presumptive nominee (it's the same title that McCain has right now). And with very good reason. He's the first black dude to get the spot. He's been a hell of a uniter since he hit the campaign trail a while ago. He brings a lot of energy and common sense that the administration has been lacking.

But I'm worried about him. Seriously.

My biggest concern is his safety. The country has a tendency to rid itself of our great black leaders. I don't think I even have to go into names here. Barack is now the face of the Democratic party, and, while he has a lot of support across the country, he has to battle against a bunch of people who would rather not see him there. Just like our other black leaders. I think we have come pretty d*mn far to get him his seat at the table, but his seat should come with a bulletproof vest and extra security guards too. That might seem a little dramatic, but we have never had anyone in this position. And when black leaders get close... so I'm worried.

I'm also worried that he gets to deal with the "first" syndrome. Here's what I mean by that. Say Obama gets elected as President. He'll officially be the first black President. Well, if you're the first black anything, you have to be more successful than just about everyone that came before you. In his case, he has to fix Iraq, the economy, education, and health care. He has to do that where a good portion of the administration and country may not be interested in supporting him. If he can do it, that will be great. He will have cleaned up one of the biggest messes in recent history. But if he can't, that would likely mean that no black person would get elected president for the next fifty years after that. Would you really want to carry weight that heavy? Is he up for that task? Or am I being overly dramatic again?

Is he really up for the job? Is the guy who was once defeated for a House of Representatives spot and a current rookie on Capitol Hill really up for the job?

Don't get me wrong. I am definitely supportive of him. But I'm worried.

The Witnesses At My Door

So Saturday was the first day of Memorial Day weekend. I had things to do, but I needed to relax as well. So I rolled out of bed later in the morning and threw on some sweats. First things first... laundry. I threw my stuff into a laundry basket and headed out the door (the laundry room for the apartment is on the opposite side of the complex and you have to go outside to get to it). When I opened my door, two people were standing in front of it, clearly startled and clearly getting ready to knock on my door. One was a tall older guy, and the other was a kid... probably about 10 years old or so. Both were dressed in suits. Both were holding briefcases and Bibles. One was holding copies of Watch Tower and Awake magazines. Jehovah's Witness was knocking at my door. What a way to start the day out.

Before I go further, I should make it clear that I grew up in a pretty Christian house. My dad was Episcopalian and my mom was Baptist (don't ask... I don't know how they got along for so long either). My dad didn't care for Witnesses when they knocked at the door... if anything, he'd start a lively debate and save the rest of the neighborhood from them by taking their time. My mom, however, was the one who would see them coming from a mile away and would pick them off from her bedroom window if she had a rifle. Depending on my mood, I could go either way. Anyway, the idea is that neither of them appreciated them and had different approaches to dealing with them.

So it's crystal clear that the kid is so nervous, he was about to sh*t his pants. Both guys smile at me, and the kid hands me a copy of Awake magazine. He said that he wants to read a quote from the Bible. He's fumbling through the Bible trying to find this verse. The old guy doesn't help him at all. He's just standing there. And I'm holding my laundry, trying to be patient. So after what seemed like an eternity, I put my laundry basket down and went to grab something in my living room. When I got back, he found his verse (2 Timothy 3 if you're interested). He read the verse. Then he said that since the last days may be coming, it would benefit me to read the magazine and the Bible.

Now I'm torn. On one hand, I think it's good for a person to have to cold-talk to people like that. It's a good way to learn how to market yourself and how to repress those nervous feelings. On the other hand, I just wanted him to get out of my d*mn face. I had things to do.

When he finished with what he was saying, I politely told the kid that I'm a person finding my way as well, and even though I didn't agree with what he was saying, I appreciated what he was doing. And since I appreciated what he was doing, I was going to give him one of my favorite bookmarks so he doesn't have to fumble to find his verse again. Then I told him that I had things to do, and thanks for stopping by.

The kid has this HUGE beaming smile, while the old guy was pissed. I don't know if he was mad that I could've corrupted the kid, or that I gave him something that the kid appreciated. Whatever. He needed to lighten up.

So the two walked off and I went to do laundry. While I was walking over there, I noticed that every stairwell and walkway through the complex had a couple people wearing identical suits and carrying identical briefcases and Bibles. It irritated me a little more, and I almost wanted to go and take my bookmark back. I didn't, but I wanted to. Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Who knows.

It was still a good weekend anyway. Back to the real world.

What Would You Say If Gas Were A Person?

Hey Gas... you think you're funny huh? You think $3.75 is funny? You're right... that's classic. Come here for a second. I have a joke you'll find hilarious...

You ready? Here goes...

What did the five fingers say to the face?

**SLAP!!!**

Yeah, punk! You need to learn some better jokes! Step to me with your chest puffed out again! You better come correct next time! When you see me, I know you see a m*thaf*cka from Iowa... but I'm straight Children of the Corn, homey! That's right! I'll chop your four foot tall *ss down to three feet! And I'll chop you so hard, your grandkids won't grow past it! Know your role, mayne! Know your role!

What's that? You think you been kind to me, just cuz people in England and China pay twice as much already? You know what I say to that?

**SLAP!!!**

I don't give a f*ck about other countries! This is America! And since we're in America, I have the right to slap the sh*t out of you, then claim not guilty by reason of insanity! You're driving me nuttier than a Snickers bar, so it would work! I will kick your *ss, and you will get your *ss stomped!

Now sit your *ss down, back the f*ck up, and realize that if you help us, we'll help you. You cut out your attitude you developed over the last few years, and we (Americans) will stop smackin the sh*t out of you. Deal?

**Straightening out shirt**

Now that I got that off my chest, I wonder how much it will cost to drive to Cali from Ohio...

Random Thoughts From Cartoon Watching

It was Saturday morning. I'm kickin it with my daughter. And we're watching Barbie Mariposa for the 1000th time. I'm telling you... it gets better every time I see it... but it had me thinking...

When I was little, I was a fan of G.I. Joe and Transformers. My favorite character was Roadblock. He was the big black guy that only spoke in rhyme. He carried an M2 machine gun over his shoulder and loved barbequeing. He looked and acted like Charles Barkly before Charles Barkley was Charles Barkley. Now that I think about it, his character could be a little offensive today... but that's not the point.

When it came to Transformers, my favorites were the Aerobots. Those were the good guy robot/air force airplanes. I think there were five of them, and they could combine to become one super-robot. Pretty cool stuff back in the day.

Watching Mariposa actually isn't much different from the cartoons I watched when I was a kid... outside of the pink horses and rainbows and flowers. In nearly every cartoon series, there is a good guy and a bad guy. Most of the time (at least to me), the bad guy is more fun to watch. And it's not just on cartoons... it's in movies too. They lead more interesting lives. They have cooler gadgets. And every now and then, a good guy would join with the bad guy... only to turn back later, but still. And at the end of every cartoon, the good guy always wins. Optimus Prime leads the Autobots to victory. G.I. Joe defeats Cobra every time. Bruce Leroy gives Sho Nuff the beatdown. Rocky takes Clubber Lang to school. Cartoons are already unrealistic as it is, but does life really work that way? Is it always so cut and dry when deciding who the good guys and bad guys are? Good people do bad things a lot, because they have to... because there is always a gray area... and since when does the good guy always win? In my experience, the bad guy has more fun, has cooler toys, gets more girls, and wins MOST of the time... cartoons would be pretty depressing if they mirrored real life...

Here's another random thought... watching Barbie movies makes me sick to my stomache. All of that girly stuff makes me feel like I should be on the couch eating Yoplait while I have my special time of the month. It's just not manly enough. But my daughter loves them... especially the Fairytopia movies. She has all of the fairies, and she pretends to recreate the movie with them. Since my daughter is multi-racial, I tried to find the black version of the Fairytopia characters... and they actually exist! But did you know that while the white female version of the dolls look like Heidi Klum, the black female version looks more like Cleopatra Jones? While the white male version looks like Brad Pitt, the black male version looks like Bryant Gumbel? Honestly, I'd rather play with Bryant Gumbel and Cleopatra Jones. Neither of them are Barbie-type supermodels, but I bet those dolls could make one hell of a sex scene. (Don't front... you know you made your Barbies hump when you were little. I had Snake Eyes humping Scarlet all the time when I played with GI Joes) My daughter would rather play with anything that looks like it was in the movie. Oh well... maybe I'll get them for myself.

Oh well... here's to Mariposa for the 1001st time.

Lessons of the First 29 Years and 365 Days

No, that's not a typo... it's a leap year, so it's 365 days, not 364.

I've heard mixed things about how this whole 30th birthday should go. Some people talk about how they were ready to party like it's a P Diddy Super Bowl party. Some went into a depression, and bought a couple corvettes. I don't think I fit into either of those groups...

What's funny is that it just seems like another day... at least today does. My birthday isn't until tomorrow. I wouldn't mind a big*zz party, but it won't change my life any. A couple corvettes would be nice, but I'd rather have the money. I'm okay with a high five or chest bump and a Happy Birthday shoutout. But at the same time, I've been thinking back and wondering if I picked up any bits of information that would be useful for the next 30 years. I mean I'm just like anyone else... things have happened in my life... some good, some bad... and you learn from everything. So here are just a few things (in no particular order) I've learned that some of you may agree with, some of you may not... but it's just what I think...

1) The people who say "Respect me, and I'll respect you" are full of sh*t. If you did that, you'd be as much of an *sshole as everyone else. Respect everyone. Period. You'll feel better about yourself in the morning.

2) The people who say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" are full of sh*t. Keep your friends close. Period. There's no need to worry about your enemies when you know your friends have your back as much as you have theirs.

3) Family first.

4) Family doesn't mean just blood relatives.

5) If it looks like a rat, and smells like a rat...

6) The people who say "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" kind of have it right... sometimes, you have to say things that aren't too nice... you can still do it in a respectful and tactful way.

7) Don't EVER let anyone walk over you. You don't deserve that.

8) If you love someone, let them know you love them. A lot.

9) Don't let others dictate what you do with your life in any area... who you date or marry, where you work, what to dream, etc.

10) In my best South Park voice... "Drugs are bad, mmm kay?"

11) God exists. If He didn't, I'd be dead ten times over.

12) Always strive to improve yourself. Keep learning. Keep dreaming. Try something new.

13) Don't be afraid to fail.

14) It really does take a village to raise a child. However, moms and dads, you are the executive, legislative, and judicial branch of your village. Be the leaders of your village, but don't be afraid to be part of someone else's community.

15) Travel. You'll miss more than you can imagine if you never leave your city.

16) It's okay to sing really loud and dance in a public restaurant, and it's okay to take a nap on the statehouse lawn. Have fun, and yes... it's okay to do things just because you'd have a good story to tell.

17) Stand for what and who you believe in.

18) If you hang with nine broke friends, you're bound to be the tenth.

19) If you don't enjoy your job, get one you enjoy. You spend most of your time there... might as well be able to like what you do.

20) Second chances are a wonderful thing. Give one, and someone will love you for it. Get one, and be thankful for it. No one is perfect, so don't act like you are.

Letter to Tyra Banks (You Can Do Better)

Dearest Tyra,

I've had my eye on you for many moons now. I must give you some props. You've been a super successful supermodel for 20 years, and even though you say you retired, your looks will keep you in the limelight for many years to come. You've had the opportunity to date major players from John Singleton to Chris Webber. No one can think of Cover Girl or Victoria's Secret without thinking of you. You've written a book, starred in a number of movies, and even had the opportunity to be a musical flop. Now you have two really successful shows - a talk show and an "American Idol" for models. It really brings a smile to my face to see brothas and sistas make the best out of what they have. Congratulations.

But now I have to keep it real with you. And I tell you this, not because I hate you, but because I'm a concerned male...

You're a conceited hypocrite that makes life difficult for females around the world.

I know you probably don't want to hear that, and you have probably crumbled this letter up. But please hear me out before you list me as just another one of your haters.

I have had the displeasure of watching America's Next Top Model. The show is filled with nothing but the tall and the skinny. Now, please don't get me wrong. There is NOTHING wrong with being tall and skinny if that is the natural build. However, there IS something wrong with being tall and skinny, because you choose to eat nothing but twigs and berries just to get on your show. You're perfectly okay with the latter, and you reward the person who is the tallest and skinniest. That's a little f*cked up in my book.

I know that you'd argue with me over this point. But I'd like to point out one episode that highlights my concern. There was one episode where you and the panel of judges were discussing who to eliminate, and you chose the two largest female contestants. In this case, I would guess that the ladies were probably about 5'9 or 5'10 and weighing in at around 140 or 150 lbs. Not a bad weight at all.... and they were really beautiful females too...

But do you remember what you said about them while the ladies were not present?

You said something to the effect of calling them fat and your show not being the one that they should be on.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

Those women had gorgeous features and were in physically good condition compared to the rest of the cast, and you called them fat?? I think that most of America would fit that description... and the people that fit that description should band together and give you a collective beatdown across the country.

That's right... they should f*ck you up. You're earning it.

What made this worse was during the elimination, you sugar-coated the reason for them being eliminated, by saying that they didn't want it and that the show was "probably not for them." Not one word about what you REALLY thought.

Seriously Tyra... to talk about someone that badly behind their backs, then not keeping it real with them is what Diddy would call a "serious case of bitchassness."

Your show is seen by millions each season or cycle or whatever you want to call it. Instead of using your outlet to build self-esteem for females at a time when it's needed more than ever, you use your platform to tear it down by telling females that they HAVE to be unhealthy and scrawny to be beautiful. You kicked off the "fat" girls, none of the successful girls you've had on your show probably doesn't know what a push-up is (and if they did, they probably got the boot too), and when that one girl passed out during elimination (probably from starvation or dehydration), you blew it off and worried about YOURSELF and how scared YOU were.

Speaking of worrying about yourself, I'm appalled by your talk show as well. Once again, don't get me wrong... I'm not a hater of talk shows. Some shows are entertaining. Some shows have a point. Ellen and Oprah are awesome. Some shows exist because the host likes to hear herself talk and make herself feel better. Yours unfortunately falls into that category.

One show stands out in my mind. Remember that episode where you decided to find out what it's like to be morbidly obese? So you put on a fat suit for a couple hours? It stands out, because you came back crying about how people made fun of you.

I'm sorry, but that was the fakest act I've seen since Michael Jackson's marriage to Lisa Marie. You were crying, because you got made fun of for a couple hours and felt badly for yourself. You WEREN'T crying, because you felt sorry for the people who actually live that way. You got comfort from your cast and people dumb enough to show up to the taping of your show, and 99.9% of America doesn't have that. Way to cash in on your fakeness.

In conclusion, I would strongly encourage you to use your influence to the best of your abilities. I won't assume that you are intentionally a negative influence... but you are. It doesn't have to be that way. You have the TZONE, but no one really knows about that. You have the ability to encourage to love who they are, NOT who magazine covers want them to be. TIME keeps naming you as one of the most influential people, and I can't disagree with that. But PLEASE use that influence for positive things, NOT negative.

I hope that you take this letter as tough criticism, and not something written by someone who took a big drink of Haterade. If you need any more advice, please feel free to come my way. I have plenty more to dish out. Thank you for your time, and keep hope alive.

Signed,

Verbal

When Vengeance Is Best Not Served At All...

I was going to write about a couple other things, but something happened yesterday that is stuck in my head... and it's still bothering me a little bit.
Here's some background. When I was in high school years ago, there were these guys that made it really hard for me to want to go to school. They picked on me and my brothers for any reason they could think of. They made fun of us, because we were short, skinny, fat, nerds, not sounding like we were black, etc. I had more than my fair share of fights with them, but things could have been a lot worse. Regardless, I grew to hate these guys. I mean I REALLY hated them. I wished a slow and painful death upon them. Some nights, I would go to sleep dreaming of ways that they could perish and hopefully burn in hell.

Fast forward to a month ago. I regularly visit the library, and the last few times, I saw this guy... do you ever do one of those things where you see a face, and you think that you recognize that person, then brush it off by saying something like "everyone looks like someone we know" and then call it a day? I did that the first few times. But the last time was different...

He was by himself this time... and I finally got a good look at his face. I knew him, and I knew exactly where I knew him from. Now was the time to say something to him.

I walked towards him, and called his name a few times. On the third call, he turned around. His face changed maybe two or three times in just a few seconds... he thought he knew me, but he wasn't sure how this happened.

"I know you... " he said.

I looked at him, and realized that life had not been kind to this person at all. He had leaves in his hair. His skin had blotches of what appeared to be mud. Judging from the odor, his skin and clothes had clearly not been washed in weeks. In his hands, he was carrying a couple plastic grocery bags that held clothes and pop cans. This man was homeless.

"Yeah, you do know me," I replied.

"How do I know you?"

"Do you remember back in high school when my brother tried out for the football team? You and your brother ran him off the field by yelling how fat he was, and you kept going for the rest of the year. When he told me about what you did, I hit you in the face with my science book. We fought, then you got your friends involved and kept picking on the two of us for the next year plus some."

"You... "

His face changed again to sheer disbelief. He looked down at the ground... I couldn't tell, but he looked like he was ready to cry.

I, too, was in shock. The person who stood before me was on the road to getting a football scholarship, and was smart enough to do something productive with his life, regardless of who he stepped on and crushed in the process. I had so many questions, but I couldn't put together the words to express to the person who was the bane of my existence... the person who I desperately wanted to help at that moment...

"I have to go, but I WILL see you around here again soon, right?"

He looked up, and didn't say anything. Then he looked back down, turned and walked away slowly.

This is stuck in my head, because those that know me know that I never forget, and that I hold grudges. I had not thought about this person in years, but when I saw him and realized how terrible his life had become, I KNOW how wrong this is, but... for a split second... I REALLY wanted to dance in his face. In that split second, everything that he and his friends had done for that long period came back to me, and I wanted him to know and feel as badly as I felt in high school.

But I couldn't do it.

As quickly as that thought came, it left. And I felt sorry for him... and I really wanted to help him.

Vengeance was not an option.

I'm not sure if it's because I want to help a fellow graduate, or if it's because of how terrible I feel about what I felt and thought for that split second... I really wanted to help him... and I still do.
I'm not sure of how to find him or figure out what happened... but I have ideas of how to figure everything out...

And I'm going to do everything that I can to find him, take him for a cup of coffee, find out his story, and see if I can help get him back on his feet...

I'm not even sure why I want to do this... or why I need to do this... but I'm going to try. I hope I didn't scare him to the point of not going back to the library again. And I hope he doesn't think that I'm in this to cause more pain on him.

If I find him again, we'll just see what happens...

The New Odd Couples... Brought to You By...

Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton??

Toby Keith and the Dixie Chicks??

Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingrich??

Not sure if you heard, but each of these pairs will be appearing TOGETHER in ads that promote the need to save the planet. As much bad blood exists between each of the pairings, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

See here.

As odd as these couples seem, do you know who brought each of them together?

Al Gore.

That's right. The boring, Nobel-winning, non-descript former VP, former presidential candidate Al Gore.

He personally and intentionally asked people from opposite sides of the political line to put away their differences and come together for one thing that they believed in. And it worked.

Now that's some real sh*t right there.

Barack...

Hillary...

John...

I hope all of you are paying attention. You wanna be a good president? You need to know how to bring together both sides of the aisle. That's what we (i.e. this country) need. When you get into the office, I hope you call Al first and take some notes on how to do it.

Props to the Whopper Guy!

In the day and age of most restaurants declaring that they would like to move toward more healthy menus, I must give great respect to Burger King.

You read that correctly. Much respect to whoppers and onion rings. Here is why. I'll use McDonald's as the example for most restaurants.

McDonald's took the brunt of the wrath of the health food industry. From every media outlet to movies like Supersize This!, McDonald's represented the evils of trans fat, too much salt, hydrogenated oils, and pretty much every disgusting substance that you shouldn't put in your body.

The result?

McDonald's started a campaign to show that it's TRYING to be healthier. They make sure people know that they use real chicken (as opposed to the chicken mix that comes in the white box with the black lettering that says "CHICKEN"?) and added more chicken sandwiches, they switched to using oils with no trans fats, and they added salads to the menu.

Sounds great, right?

What they didn't tell you is that they covered up the healthiness of the new chicken sandwiches with fattening marinades, fatty bread, and extra cheese. And they covered up the healthiness of the salads with dressings that were injected with extra fat.

So to bring that back to the original statement... this makes me respect Burger King even more.

Why?

Because they are comfortable with who they are.

In the middle of restaurants trying to be healthier, Burger King is doing the opposite. I can almost hear the Burger King CEO saying something like this:

"If people are eating at Burger King, they don't give a f*ck what they put in their system. They want fat foods? We'll help them out. How about a triple burger with extra cheese? F*ck the salads... we'll put extra salt on the fries and extra sauce on the whoppers! That's not enough? How about starting your day out right? Hey, you f*cks working in the food invention area... how about hooking up a breakfast with over 2,000 calories and 200 grams of fat in one serving? And can we hook that up with a cup of extra strong coffee? Once we do that, why don't we give people spoons so they can scoop up the fat out of the drains. If they don't want to suck it down that way, we can take the hardened fat and just glue in their fat *sses. Extra fat on the fat for those fat f*cks! And we'll make it easier by building Burger Kings at a faster rate than McDonald's and Starbucks combined! We'll be the Starbucks of heart attacks! At Burger King, they can have it their way, and we'll help out any way we can!"

I respect Burger King, because they don't cover up a d*mn thing. They know their food is made of fat, and you do too. They won't try to hide it. They know what the people want, and they'll go the extra step to give it to them, industry trends be d*mned. BK is comfortable in their own skin. McDonald's is clearly not. Gotta respect the King.

Of course, I still won't be eating there any time soon.

Des Moines, IA = My Kind of Town!

I'm homesick... again. It comes and goes. Sometimes, it has to do with things going on at home. Sometimes, it has to do with things that I'd like to get away from in Columbus. Sometimes, it's nothing more than wanting to see the people, places, and things I grew up with. Sometimes, it's all of the above. But the feeling always leaves after a while. It's a cycle. However, some people have actually wondered why I miss Des Moines... you know... that place in that state with only 50 residents that all grow potatoes and where people drive tractors to work. (BTW, Iowa grows corn, not potatoes.) So nothing against Columbus, NYC, Oxford, or Fort Lauderdale (all of which are deserving of their own lists), here are the top ten reasons to love Des Moines, in no particular order.

1) Maid-Rite Restaurants - I love sloppy joes. No... I REALLY love sloppy joes. If you're a fan of sloppy joes, this place is for you. If you're a fan of old-style restaurants, this place is for you. If you're a fan of restaurants that you will only find in one city or place, this place is for you.

2) Skywalk System - Des Moines is one of two (I think) cities in the US that has a skywalk system. If you don't know what that is, if you go into an elevator in a downtown building, and if the floor numbering goes like "1, 2, 2.5, 3," 2.5 is the skywalk connection. You can walk around downtown without getting any of the summer heat or winter cold. The skywalk is completely enclosed and circles most buildings and and crosses over most downtown streets. You get a nice view of the traffic below as well as the rest of downtown Des Moines. It's a unique and underappreciated thing about the city.

3) The gold dome - Des Moines has one of only two or three (I think) capital buildings with a gold dome. Most capital buildings look like oversized libraries, historical buildings, or prisons. But the Iowa capital building screams...

I AM THE CAPITAL!!! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN GO F*CK YOURSELF!!!

It's all because of the dome, even when it's under construction. Unlike Ohio's capital building or a number of other ones, you CANNOT mistake Iowa's capital building for anything else. That's how it should be.

4) Low travel time to other cities - Chicago, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, Omaha, Kansas City, St. Louis, and Indianapolis. And if you stretch a little further, Memphis, Little Rock, Oklahoma City, and Cincinnati. There was a joke a long time ago that one of the best things to do when you're in Des Moines is to pack your bags and get the f*ck out. Well, there is some truth to the joke, because all of these cities are within driving distance. Des Moines, as weird as it may sound, is a good city to live in if you love going on road trips. Not only that, but Des Moines is a crossroad for high-quality live entertainment because of its location. Most of the best performers put it down in Des Moines. Seriously... if Paul McCartney has to do a show in Minneapolis on Monday and Kansas City on Friday, he's going to stop in Des Moines on Wednesday, even if the show is as short as a smoke break. Location, location, location.

5) Water Works Park and Gray's Lake - Nature at its finest. Forget about the road that runs right between them. Instead, focus on the lake with the walkway going over it that lights up into a thousand different colors at night. Focus on the ponds where parents can take the kids fishing. Focus on the picnic tables and open grassy areas where you can have a relaxing picnic or party, read a book, take a nap, look at clouds, or participate in other park debauchery in your own "privacy." Focus on the trees, flowered spots, and ducks and geese that walk right up to you and either get some food or peck you in your forehead. Focus on the walking paths and horse stables. Focus on relaxation while you're in either of these spots.

6) Court Avenue - Restaurants. Clubs. Bars. River. Baseball stadium. Ampitheater. One of the things that make a city a metro city is all of these things in one area. Court Avenue is right in the middle of downtown. Like any other social district in the US, it can get boring if you show up every night for 365 days. However, in moderation, these things add to the city's charm. So if you ever stop in Des Moines, stay at the Hotel Fort Des Moines, eat at Buzzard Billy's, go dancing or get your drink on at any of the clubs, relax by the big green umbrella, take in a show at the Civic Center or Wells Fargo arena, go skywalking, and/or enjoy a night at the ampitheater if the weather is decent. While you're at it, tell Court Avenue that I sent you.

7) Something for everyone - Des Moines is right in the middle of Iowa. Iowa is overwhelmingly a small-town farming state. So a lot of the peoplewho live in Des Moines bring a small town frame of mind. On the other hand, there are a lot of people in Des Moines who come from larger cities, like Chicago, Minneapolis, and even Cincinnati, looking for life on the smaller scale. Drake University and a wide range of jobs play a role in attracting a diverse array of individuals. So this city with a metro population of around 500,000, you will find small town life, big city life, every age range, race, religion, sexual preference, background, lifestyle, and occupation under the sun. If you love living downtown, you can live in Des Moines. If you love the small town closeness, you can live in Des Moines. If you're someone who would rather live in the burbs, Des Moines has that and is still expanding. If you can't find at least a couple things you like about Des Moines, you need to get your head examined.

8) Big Tomato Pizza - Best f*cking pizza on the planet. They put anything you want on a pizza. If you go in and say "I want a seaweed pizza with chicken soup for sauce," they will ask you how long to cut the seaweed and if you want it delivered. After 10pm, they sell single slices. The best part about that is that you can go and watch all the drunk freaks and nutcases with the munchies get their grub on. Great food with unplanned entertainment. What more can you ask for?

9) Sports atmosphere - The ongoing debate will always be this... are you an Iowa fan or Iowa State fan? However, there will always been divides between the Cubs, White Sox, Twins, Cardinals, Royals, Bears, Vikings, Packers, Rams, Chiefs, Bulls, and Timberwolves. Of course, you can't ever forget about the Iowa Cubs and Sec Taylor Stadium. High school sports in general (wrestling, football, track, and boys and girls basketball in particular) have always generated a lof of emotion and bitter feelings among Iowans. If you love sports, you'll love Des Moines and its uber-competitive envirtionment. In every sports bar, you will find someone who is with you or against you.

10) Des Moines is home. I grew up there. Most of my family, some of my friends, and a good portion of memories will always be there. That's all I gotta say about that.

Honorable mention - Drake Relays

Today in Biznessssssss...

I came across an article that was interesting. The idea of the article is that there are a number of businesses that will probably disappear in a year or two. It was interesting to me, because I have no business sense... but I'm familiar with nearly every business that was listed. Go figure. Anyway, here is the list. Enjoy the businesses while they are still around.

**Note - I'm no business analyst, so don't put any stock into anything that is about to be said.**

1) XM Satellite - No surprise. I don't know a single person who has an XM radio. Snoop Dogg's cartoon with the gold tooth couldn't help them a while ago, and nothing can save them now. In the meantime, go buy yourself a Sirius radio, and tell Howard Stern I said hi.

2) E*Trade - Don't know anything about stocks. Don't know anything about internet stock brokers. Don't know anything about trading stocks through an internet broker. Next.

3) K-Mart - You know who this one will hurt the most? Martha Stewart. Where is she going to sell her bedsheets and doilies if K-Mart disappears?

4) Dodge - This is no surprise either. When people talk about their cars, what do you hear?

"Yeah... that's a nice Chevy."

"Does that Honda really get that kind of mileage?"

Here's something you never hear...

"Can't wait to cruise in my Dodge."

The last time you heard that was when Al Bundy pimped his hoopty Dodge to its millionth mile. The new Dodge Chargers are pretty hot, but I'd rather be driving other cars. Besides... it's a Dodge.

5) Circuit City - I don't know anything about Circuit City. I've never been in one, and the ones I have heard about were pretty ghetto. And Best Buy has always been good to me. If Circuit City disappears, I wouldn't care at all. Although I may show up during their "going out of business" sale and see if I can get a 100 inch TV for 50 bucks.

6) Gateway - They still make Gateway computers?

7) Vonage - You know what I'll miss most about Vonage? The commercials. Those things were funny. And on top of that, their music stuck in your head for too d*mn long.

WOO HOO! WOO HOO HOO!

8) Yahoo! - The thing about Yahoo is that it won't completely disappear. Microsoft is planning on buying out Yahoo. Do you know what that means?

BILL GATES WILL OWN PEOPLE'S THOUGHTS!!!

That's right! He already owns your main operating system! Now he'll own the place where we talk! All of the words typed on 360 will be the property of one of the richest men on the planet! How do you think they'll like that?!?!

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

9) Old Navy - Okay... this one would hurt a little bit. Old Navy is a good brand made for cheap b*st*rds like me. It's the only name brand that I will happily wear. If Old Navy disappears, life will still be okay. Steve and Barry's makes good, cheap clothes. And if they get expensive, I have no problem bringing back the loin cloth. Would that be considered retro?

10) Countrywide - I can't even joke about Countrywide. They deserve to disappear. They are a big reason the housing situation is the way it is across the country. F*ck Countrywide. Next.

11) Motorola - Motorola makes some nice toys... they also made my life hell when I worked with them through a state contract (long story). You know who else makes nice toys? LG and Samsung. It's been a nice ride. Time for the next generation.

V's Moment of Truth

I think I've found a new vice... and it comes in the form of trainwreck television. It doesn't have any has-been tv stars, like pretty much every show on VH-1. And it doesn't have lower-class people being exploited, like on Jerry Springer. This is, in some ways, worse...

This is Moment of Truth on Fox.

This show challenges the honesty of Americans. A person gets on stage by him or herself with the host. They can invite people to sit near the stage as "support." That support is usually husbands or wives, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, close friends, etc. The host repeats questions to the person onstage that were asked to them earlier. The only difference is that the questions asked before the show were taken while the person was attached to a lie detector. Around 50-100 questions are asked offstage, the person has no clue how the lie detector read, and they have no idea which questions will be asked when the cameras are actually rolling.

The questions come in tiers. The first tier is six questions, the second is five, the third is four, etc. If you make it through the first tier, you win $10,000. If you make it through the second, you win $25,000. If you make it through all six tiers by answering all 21 questions correctly, you win $500,000.

It pays to be honest, doesn't it? Hmmm...

It's not so bad on the show at first, either. Once the cameras are rolling, they repeat the questions while the cameras are rolling, the person onstage needs to give the correct answers... that is, the answers that either registered the truth or would've answered the truth according to the lie detector. The first six questions are easy ones... like "do you think you're fat?" or "do you wish you owned more cats?"

It's easy to win $10,000, but if you answer ANY question wrong, you lose everything. You can quit before a question is asked and save yourself. Once you get into the second tier... well... let me give you the rundown of last night.

This lady was on the show last night and had her mom, brother, and husband as her guests. Among the questions asked...

Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a New York Yankee player while having sex with your husband? She said yes, and hubby thought it was hilarious. The look on the host's face was like "If you thought that was funny, wait til you see the next few jokes."

Have you ever fantasized about having sex with your co-worker? The woman owned a business with one other person... so she has only one co-worker. She said yes. Hubby didn't think it was funny anymore.

Did you invite anyone to the wedding that you have had a previous sexual relationship with? She said yes, and hubby looked like he was ready to punch the host in the face and drive over his wife with his Honda. She looked right at him after she answered and said defiantly "I'll NEVER tell you who it was." Damn.

Then they switched to grilling her about her mom. They asked "Do you think you're a better mom to your kids than your mom was to you?" Her mom said that she wasn't that great and hoped that she was. The woman said yes, and the answer was true.

Then they asked "Do you think your husband's parents were better to you than your own parents?" She started crying and opened up... saying her parents missed some things in her life and it hurt, but her in-laws were always there. She said yes, and the answer was true. So now, her mom AND her hubby are pissed.

The last question she answered before she took her $100,000 and walked was "Do you have any secrets that would potentially destroy your marriage?" You could see the tears coming down, and she said yes. The answer was true. The host said "I bet you two are going to talk about this and there is no getting out of it." The hubby said "You're damn right. No getting out of it." The woman got up and hugged hubby and said she loves him. He had this look on his face, as if to say "enjoy your moment, b*tch... cuz when we get home, it's on."

I feel sorry for the GUESTS that the participant invites. Here the participant is... thinking they have absolutely nothing to hide. They invite the people closest to them, and they are feeling good... and by the time the show is over, they have answered questions about the people they INVITED that could ruin their relationships and cost them their jobs. I don't feel sorry for the participant, because they chose to do it. But the guests had no idea what was coming and they get embarassed on national tv just as much, if not more, than the person being questioned. These people think that they have NOTHING to hide, and they can't wait to collect their money for being so honest and sweet. Then they get on, they sh*t their underwear the first time a question comes up that they don't want aired, they realize that the worst has yet to come, and wish that someone would stop the madness.

And I watch every second of it while sitting on the edge of my seat. I know that's sad to watch people wreck their lives for our entertainment... but once those questions are asked, you can't help but think things like "she better say no!" or "oooohhhh... someone is in trouble!" It sucks you in... or at least it does to me. Maybe I watch, because I know that is one of the few shows I'd never go on. I know I have sh*t in my closet... I'd prefer not having it exposed on prime time. So since I won't do it, I'll watch other people who think they're braver than most crash into a brick wall.

If you really think you have nothing to hide, I CHALLENGE you to go on that show. That host will make sure that you realize how dirty your closet is. And when your embarassment is over, I'll pass you popcorn and tissues.

By the way, no one has won $500,000 yet. However, there have been plenty of losers and people who walk away with their tail between their legs.

Salute to One of the Greatest of All Time

Until Lovie Smith took over, he beat up on my beloved Chicago Bears twice a year. He went out of his way to make sure my team didn't win conference titles. His indecision to not retire has impeded the quarterback growth of Aaron Rodgers... and as a Bears fan, I suppose I really shouldn't care. His inability to decide to retire has held the Packers hostage, because they couldn't address other needs until he made up his mind. And again, I really shouldn't care. But he had a career year in 2007. Two of his three losses this past season were to the Bears, but he played so well, that you expected him to come back and harass teams for a couple more years. You wanted him to just get off the damn field. Because of him, my hatred of the Packers went as deep as Red Sox fans who hate the Yanks... or Buckeye fans who hate the Wolverines.

But after 17 years, it's finally over. Brett Favre has officially retired.

That's right.

As much as I may dislike him on the surface, you really can feel nothing but love for this guy. Favre is the definition of a true warrior. Over the last few years, he has battled an addiction to painkillers, the death of his father, and his wife's breast cancer. It would've been easy, and pretty much expected, for anyone else to take time off to deal with their issues. Not Brett. He expressed himself on the field. And he expressed himself to 3 consecutive MVPs (I think he's the only one who ever won three in a row), two Super Bowl appearances with one victory, and nearly every QB record in the books.

As much as I hated him when he played against my team, it was a lot of fun watching him make every single person around him better. It's been great to see him not take the game too seriously and play the game as if he was playing it in his backyard with some high school buddies. You were with him (or devoutly against him) through every time he threw a touchdown, every time he threw an interception, every time he got sacked, every time he escaped a sack and made some kind of memorable improv play. Favre made the game fun to watch for those who DON'T like football, and he reminded new fans how much fun the game is through his old-school determination and grit.

On one hand, I'm glad he's done. He can't harass my Bears anymore. Aaron Rodgers finally has a chance to show the world what he's made of... or what he's lacking. It sucks that he has to do it while in Favre's shadow, but that's life. On the other hand, the game will miss his style of play. It's been a fun ride for your friends as well as your haters, Brett... even when you were making our lives miserable. Thanks for the memories. See you in the Hall of Fame. If anyone deserves to be there, it's you.

Sincerely,

A Bears Fan/Packers Hater

TIME TO MAN UP!!!

I've been thinkin about this on and off for a while. I think I've finally decided...

I'm just not manly enough.

Remember that scene in Rudy, where Rudy was getting down on himself... then Charles Dutton says "You're five foot nothin! You're a hundred and nothin! And you have barely a speck of athletic ability!" I think he was talking about me when he said that. I'm five foot nothin, a hundred and nothin... but I have some athletic ability. So along with being short, I know nothing about cars, computers, gadgets, or fixing things. I've been an analyst for public entities (not very manly). The manliest things I know how to do is cook, run my mouth (or fingers) and play a couple of instruments. If that is the list... I definitely need some work.

So...

IT'S TIME TO MAN THE F*CK UP!!!

I've been thinking about ways to add some chest hair (literally and figuratively) and make myself more manly.

1) Learn about cars. The only thing I know about cars are how to drive them, how to change a tire, and how to change the oil. That's it. If I took a test that asked to point out the radiator and alternator, I'd give myself an "F-" right away. I used to have a roommate who seemed to know EVERYTHING about cars, trucks, vans, and anything that has an engine and four tires. He once used his car knowledge to pimp out an Econovan, then used it in street races... and won most of them. That's some manly sh*t right there. Then again, my Aunt Tina knows more about cars than Jeff Gordon's pit crew. So maybe that's subjective. Driving a Mustang or Expedition to overcompensate would also fall in this category.

2) Pack on the pounds. Everyone has seen that guy in the gym. He pretty much lives in the gym. He works out 6 days a week for at least three hours each time. And every time you see him, he's either squatting or bench pressing all of the plates in the gym with ten small children sitting on top of the bar. This man's muscles has muscles on top of them. He's so big, you know that he has to have his clothes especially made. And it probably grosses you out to see him walking around in a little speedo with veins popping out all over the place. But he's a man, you KNOW he's a man, and he has everyone's attention. If I could do this naturally, this might not be a bad idea. Then again, there's some gender-bending that takes away from this manliness. These men shave their entire bodies and oil themselves up, while women like Chyna are being seen more frequently. I'll have to think about this one too.

3) Obsess about the size of my d*ck. In the last three weeks, I have received more than 300 spam emails (and counting) that are telling me to increase the size of my d*ck. No exaggeration. At first, I thought it was regular spam. But after the spam count passed 100, I started wondering if it was a sign. I mean I'm already hung like a rhinoceros, but someone out there apparently thinks that you can never have enough. Real men grab themselves and talk about how much they are packing. Women talk about bigger being better... so maybe I'll set my sites on setting a world record.

4) Learn how to fix something in the house... anything. When it comes to repairs, if something in the house breaks down, my best skill is opening up the phone book and finding someone to fix it. I know nothing about electricity, plumbing, drywall, power tools, or foundations. I'd probably find a way to kill myself using a power drill. And, knowing me, it probably would be funnier than a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. The best I can do is use a lawn mower and a paint brush. This area could be a possibility. They make home repairs look pretty easy on HGTV. So if I watch that channel and sleep at a Holiday Inn Express, this one could work.

5) Drink beer and fight. I don't drink anymore, and I'm not a fan of fighting either... unless I have my Sho Nuff gear with me. Then it's on. But since I don't most of the time, this one won't work at all.

6) Get my pimp on. Not literally hitting the streets, finding a crew of ladies, have them charge 20 bucks for favors, then I keep 19. I mean being the ladies man. I could change my clothing style to something like Chris Brown, get my mack on everywhere from the clubs to the grocery store, then share those stories with every guy who will listen. Hmmmm... this one wouldn't work for two reasons. First, I'm broke and can't afford the hottest name brands. It's hard to dress like Chris Brown if Target and Kohl's are your best friends. Second, becoming a ladies man really wouldn't fly in a relationship.

So those are my options for now. Now to figure out which one to work on...

Time to Vote... Or Is It?

We all know about it. We've seen it. We're probably getting tired of it... but it's too important to not have an opinion about it one way or another. It's another presidential election. It'll be either Clinton or Obama vs. McCain. It very likely will be the most important election in decades, so it's extremely important to make your voice heard...

Or is it?

In Ohio, there is a growing movement of people who are deciding not to vote this year. And why?

Because of the superdelegates.

Hmm...

For the Democratic Party, the party's nominee needs to receive the highest total number of delegates and superdelegates. The total number of delegates makes up 4/5 of the total number, while superdelegates makes up 1/5. The delegates are distributed based on the number of votes received by each person. However, the superdelegates are different. According to Wikipedia, "the superdelegates are seated automatically, based solely on their status as current or former elected officeholders and party officials. They are free to support any candidate for the nomination."

So what does that mean?

It means that if you compile all of the votes this year, they won't be counted as a whole, but as 4/5 of the total. An entire 20% is dedicated to people who are considered more special than us "regular" voters and probably don't care much about our votes. The superdelegates, who are not placed into their superdelegate position by the voters, can vote for whoever they want to.

Simplifying more?

In a close election, our current or former elected officials will decide the Democratic Party's nominee... NOT the voters.

For the most part, Clinton and Obama are running a pretty close race with Obama in the lead. If it were up to ONLY regular voters/delegates, Obama would likely win. However, because of the weight of the superdelegates, Clinton may actually win the race, because the superdelegates consist mostly of "old school" officials.

The argument to not vote goes kind of like this. The race is already close. Polls and votes indicates that Obama leads across the country by a few percentage points. But the weight of the superdelegates is so heavy, that it won't matter what the people are actually saying. Those who are choosing not to vote are choosing not to do so, because the weight of the superdelegates is undemocratic and defeats the purpose of voting. Is it really fair that our votes goes TOWARD the delegate distribution, while an individual superdelegate EQUALS one vote of the overall count? Even if the vote is close, even if Obama or Hillary is selected as the Democratic candidate by ACTUAL VOTERS by 1 vote, the people's voice should count for 100%, not 80%. Period. 20% of the people's voice should not be people who may not represent their interests and possibly change the voice of the voters. It would be like Al Gore winning the popular vote, but not winning the presidency. So the people who support the movement will not support the voting process, and possibly not the candidate ultimately selected by the superdelegates.

Makes sense... but...

The other side of the argument goes like this. The superdelegates makes it even MORE important that we vote. The delegate process was revised in 1968, because of how the delegates were selected. If we don't vote and make our voices heard, AND if our candidate is selected because of the superdelegate votes, the possibility of further revisions in the future would be less effective, because of the "lack" of participation by the voters. If you want change, regarding candidate or process, make your voice heard by voting. Otherwise, you have no reason to complain. Your candidate may not win the election this year because of the way the system works, but you make changes with your vote.

Also makes sense.

I'm torn about who to vote for and may take the high road and not vote for different reasons (not crazy about either one... I kinda like "none of the above"). But regardless, this is definitely a different way of deciding if your vote matters...