Chick Flicks and a Loss of Manliness

So my office was a sponsor of the movie Mamma Mia! I didn't know anything about the movie... only that some girl was on the poster with a bright smile and a flowing dress... which usually means chick flick. Most of the time, chick flick, for me, means to find something better to do with two hours of your life. Now, I'll be honest. I don't hate ALL chick flicks... just MOST of them. I was really bored to watch the ones I do like... but they just aren't something I would choose to watch. Mamma Mia was no different.

Well, our office is sponsoring the movie. The result of the sponsoring was a free ticket to a pre-opening night screening for every employee. That wasn't enough to sway me... my toenail clipping time took priority over a free movie - ESPECIALLY chick flicks. Then my boss (yes, the one who has been blogged about recently) offered to pay for my dinner just so he wouldn't be the only guy there. Free dinner, free movie... I can deal with that.

There were two bad things about the movie - First, Pierce Brosnan can't sing. Not a single note. It's one of those things where you know he can't sing... you just can't visualize a former James Bond singing ABBA songs. But he's terrible. I'd rather listen to New Kids On The Block Sings The Blues. The movie was tolerable until he opened his non-singing lips. Then it went downhill quickly.

Speaking of downhill, there was one other thing wrong with the movie. The ending. The ending wasn't a bad one. It was the amount of singing towards the end that was killing me. Throughout the movie, it wasn't too overwhelming. But the last half hour, there was so much singing that I was ready to drive my forehead through a brick wall just so I didn't have to hear it anymore.

All of that said, it wasn't a bad movie. There were funny parts and cute parts and even a little bit of action. Outside of Pierce's singing, his acting wasn't that bad... and neither was the rest of the cast. My official rating of the movie - 2.5 out of 5 stars. (And btw - the movie was based on ABBA songs... is it bad that after seeing the movie, the ONLY ABBA song I recognized was still Dancing Queen? Is it bad that I was even happier I didn't grow up listening to them? I mean it was fun, but to have to hear it on a regular basis... )

Of course, this movie makes me wonder - why do guys hate chick flicks so much? Or am I the only guy who hates them? Maybe it's because they defy everything that is masculine? I mean... most of my movies have crass jokes, probably a sex scene or at least a really long topless scene, some action and maybe some blood. A chick flick plot has something to do with a relationship that went sour and how it was fixed. A d*ck flick plot has something do with their best friend getting killed and getting revenge. I definitely fall into the other category... and after seeing Mamma Mia, I think I need to watch the entire Rocky series backed by Alien and Predator movies until my chest hairs grow back.

Fakes, Phonies, and Borderline Racists (Venting Time!)

Today could've been a day where I threw my boss out a second story window... but I didn't do it.

I wanted to... but I didn't.

I wanted to do it, because he said some sh*t that he shouldn't have. And it's the second time in a week where someone I worked with said some sh*t. And it's only my fourth week.

The first time (which actually followed a series of times not directed to me but said around me), my co-worker called me "dawg." It happened so quickly that I didn't know what to say or how to respond. So I didn't. She also says "nahmean?" and "word." And she is one of the whitest people I know. She speaks the Queen's English and listens to the B-52s. The ONLY person she talks like that around is ME. She clearly feels like she has to adjust her normal grammar around the black guy. The most recent time she got me was when we worked together on a project and made it through successfully a lot quicker than we thought. I said "Hell yeah!" She said the same. Then she put her hand out to me to give me dap. And I did it back without thinking about it! DAMMIT! So before I had a chance to let it digest, I asked her if she says the same things around me that she does to everyone else. She said "Of course!" I challenged her on that, and she got the idea and said she'd watch that next time. Today, we were free and clear of any of that sh*t. Cool.

Today was a different challenge. My melanin-deficient boss decided to come out of his office and socialize with us. We were talking about another co-worker's car. Apparently, he drives one of those Scion cars that is shaped like a toaster. And not only that, but the thing is lime green too. My boss said something about the co-worker being secure enough in his manhood to drive it. I said I'd never drive something like that. He said, "Not unless it has some 22s on it, huh?" And he busts out laughing. I looked at my co-workers and they nervously laughed as I did. HE thought he just told the greatest joke on the planet and walked off. So I followed him into his office.

I asked him why he said that. He said he thought it was funny and asked if I did too. I asked him if he would've said anything like that to a co-worker... maybe one of the two white females I worked with. He said no, and I asked him why not. He didn't answer. I told him that I have two college degrees, have been a professional in the field for four years, talks just like he does, and even has the same eclectic music taste he does. I asked him what made him think that kind of joke would fly with me. Again, no answer. Before the silence got too awkward, I told him that I'm not angry, but his joke was a bit racist and he needs to keep it to himself. He apologized that I was offended and didn't see how it could've been racist. I told him that the day that he, his wife, or any of the others in our office drives on 22s, THEN it wouldn't be racist. But reserving those jokes for the black guy is. Again, he apologized, but this time, he said that maybe it was out of line and it won't happen again. I thanked him, and left.

Now this situation could've been a lot worse. I really wanted to take my keyboard and smack him in his grill with it. And not only because of what he said... I just have a problem with people who act differently with one person than they would another... because of a PERCEIVED difference. And I've always gotten along better with people who are true to themselves, no matter how dorky or ugly they might be. Here's an example.

Justin Timberlake gets on my m*thaf*ckin nerves. It's not that his music is bad... actually, it is pretty terrible. But it's that he's a fake. He's a phony. He'll walk around sounding like what he THINKS black people should sound like, because he thinks that's cool. How do I know that he's a fake? Watch the video of what happened when he was got Punk'd:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-14EtDvp3w




DAMN!!! A person who thinks he's thugged out won't lose his thuggishness when he's scared! He called his mama and started to cry!!! WHAT THE F*CK?!

Now his former partner in crime, JC Chasez is a cool dude! Have you seen him on America's Best Dance Crew? He wears some of the ugliest sh*t on the planet! He's like the male Paula Abdul! He wears ugly bowties and ugly shirts... but the best part is that he is totally comfortable wearing it! You know good and well that he wore that before the cameras were rolling and after they stopped. Now THAT is someone that is comfortable in his own skin. THAT is someone who is going to treat everyone the same! I could see Justin Tims saying anything that my co-workers did and then changing it up to socialize with someone else... I don't see JC rolling like that though... and that's a GOOD thing!

Blessings for the Penis

How many people know who the guy is in the picture above? Don't worry. No one can see you if you do.

For those that don't know, his born name is Clifton Todd Britt. Mr. Britt is a graduate of Syracuse University, a member of Omega Psi Phi fraternity, and was smart enough to land a spot as a stock broker within six months of graduating from college. He even did some modeling and acting in small parts on the side. But that wasn't making the ends meet.

This educated brotha decided to take his chances and move from the east coast to the west coast in pursuit of greater acting possibilities. And that is exactly what he found. Mr. Britt cashed in on his good looks and his LARGE personality (oh yeah... and his 11 x 7 incher) and gave himself the stage name that you may recognize as Lexington Steele.

I say the guy is smart, but he REALLY is a smart dude - he has a very keen business sense. He started in porn acting, but he is now also a director and producer of his movies. What does that mean? It means he stars in some of his movies, he picks who is "acting" in them, he guides the movie as he sees fit, he controls how his image is portrayed, and he's making serious bucks from the porn world.

Why am I focusing on his brains?

Because he said something that he clearly thought long and hard about (no pun intended). I came across a quote of his that has me really wondering about some things.

One of the things about Mr. Britt/Mr. Steele is that he is not only intelligent, but he's deeply religious. He grew up in a Baptist household and carries his religious beliefs with him everyday, in regards to being a believer AND a porn star. Check out one of his statements:

"Yes, I am religious. I am Christian, Baptist. I grew up in as close to a Cosby-show lifestyle as you can get. Doing porno, on a repeated basis, I am committing Coitus interruptus like Onan. I'm not married, so I'm fornicating for a living. I'm paid to have sex, which means what? I'm prostituting by definition. These are things I have to reckon with my God on a daily basis. I knowingly do these things.

"My decision to do porno has forced me to take my religion within. Because of my job I am stronger in my relationship with God, because now I take God with me everywhere I go; if I don't, I'll fail. I didn't know that God blessed me with an abnormally large penis that allows me to make porno. But I feel blessed. I believe I am blessed because I am meant to please one woman for the rest of our lives together. True, I haven't met her yet."

He also said this:

"People who are spiritual, like myself, we carry our spirituality inside of ourselves. I don't believe any institution has any hierarchy on my personal relationship with God. I have been blessed with physical attributes that have allowed me to provide entertainment. What I do is not illegal, so I am not at odds with anything. I'm not married so I am not committing adultery. If I be damned for fornication, then I am no much unlike then the billions of people who walk this earth today."

Wow.

Here's my interpretation of what Mr. Steele just said. He said that he knows and believes he is meant to please one woman, but because he's blessed with a big penis, he's going to use it to entertain. He also said that if he's fornicating, he's just like billions of others... which almost sounds like the "everyone else is doing it, so I'll do it too" argument.

(I'm not sure, but didn't God strike down cities that were guilty of fornication? To me, that's a sign that says that if you believe, you shouldn't whip it out for money or for free. But that's me. And that's not the point.)

Mr. Steele is even more astonishing, because, given his degree, looks, and previous career doing other things, it's not like he didn't have options. He could've done ANYTHING, but made the clear and conscious decision to make his money in the sex industry.

I don't find this much different from the music artist who raps about the love of drugs, hoes, and guns... and then thanks God for hooking them up with awards and prizes. It almost seems like a justification of a lifestyle. They have physical and mental attributes that will help them make money. And because they have the attributes and are using them a lot, God must have wanted it to be that way.

So here are my questions... Do you think that Mr. Britt/Mr. Steele and others use God to justify inappropriate actions, or are they all right? To what extent should a belief in a higher power influence an occupation and what a person does to keep the bills paid and stay alive? Maybe one of these days, I'll have an answer... but today, I'll just think about it and revisit later...

Why I Celebrated Independence Day

I know, in advance, that not everyone is going to agree with this list. That said, here goes...

Every year, I get frustrated by Independence Day. I don't get frustrated with the holiday itself, but because of the significant number of people who decide to rail against the country on the 4th of July. It's not just black people who do it... it's a good portion of the Spanish speaking population, the Asian community, and the Native American/Indian community. The arguments are pretty much the same across the board... black people were slaves when the country was "freed", so we shouldn't celebrate it. White people gave it the old college try to eliminate Mexicans, Indians, and Asians from the planet and got pretty close with the Indians.

Those are ALL valid points. However...

Nearly every holiday that celebrates races other than whites have never been widely celebrated by races outside of whites, but non-whites are the first to b*tch about the evils of Independence Day. The question that I always have is one that has yet to be answered...

If America is that evil, where else would you rather be? If you'd rather be somewhere else that you consider "better", why not go?

If you have that much of a problem with Independence Day, why not do your best to go to work instead, and stop taking part in our nationwide grilling of chicken, pigs, and cows?

Keep in mind, I am no patriot. I don't have a flag posted in my front yard. I'm not going to rip other people for saying their country is better than ours. Hell, I don't even like baseball or apple pie. I do, however, appreciate the fact that, at this point in time, we (as in everyone, not just black people) enjoy a lot of things that can't be enjoyed in other countries. So here we go... my own personal top 10 reasons to love the US of A (in no particular order).

1) Freedom of Speech - George Bush is a c*ck s*cking m*therf*cker! If his face was on fire, I wouldn't p*ss on it to put it out! F*ck him and the horse he rode in on that his daddy gave him!

Now I might have meant every word of that. I might have said it just for shock value. You might love that I said it. You might delete me from your list. But I have every right to say that without going to jail for it. I have every right to say that without having to worry about being executed for railing against the government. Folks, that's an American thing and it has been for a couple hundred years. Don Imus had every right to call the Rutgers basketball team a bunch of nappy-headed hos, but we also had the right to force him out of his job because of it. Had he said something that heated about government officials in other countries that aren't interested in freedom of speech...

2) Diversity - Black, White, Red, Yellow, Brown. Gay, straight, everything in between. Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Atheist, and every other religion. We're all here. We may not be able to co-exist in some places, but we are here. There are no government rules or regulations saying that you can't be who you are or worship in a non-Christian way. Gotta love America.

3) Stability - Pop quiz. Name one country whose government has not been overthrown in the last 200+ years? Answer: The United States.

Name another...

Answer: Other than Antarctica, there isn't another.

As frustrating as it may be, the country's foundation exists, because it works. It moves at a snail's pace, and it has for hundreds of years. If the country were based on movement toward radical views during tragic times, we wouldn't be as free to express and enjoy ourselves as we are right now.

4) Food - What can I say? Italian food is great. Mexican is great. But I love my hamburgers and New England clam chowder. Barbeque makes my taste buds have orgasms. Life doesn't get much better than Cajun and Creole dishes. I'll eat everything else, but I'll always come back to good, old fashioned American food.

5) Music - Speaking of things that are all-American, rap is an all-American musical genre. It was invented here, and it's worldwide. It's impossible to hear some dude in France trying to rap without calling him a wannabe with too much time on his hands. Country and Blues are also American genres too. The BB Kings and Ray Charleses that sang about how terrible the country is still celebrated Independence Day... and they probably had it a lot worse than any of us did.

6) Attorneys - This one tickles me every time. Only in America can you find an attorney to help you sue a restaurant for making their coffee hot. Only in America can you find thousands of attorneys that will help you get out of jail for killing twenty people AFTER you left letters and pictures saying you did it. This country has more attorneys than the rest of the world combined... and there is absolutely no fear of over-saturation in the legal field. In this country, nearly everything can be defended and nearly everything can be legally prosecuted. Hmmm... maybe I went into the wrong business...

7) Sports - Football is the biggest sport in this country... at least right now. Other than Canada, no other country has their own football league (World League doesn't count, because it was founded by the NFL). NASCAR is quickly climbing as the second biggest American sport... and NASCAR, like the NFL, was invented here. America has the MLB for baseball, and is arrogant enough to call the winner of the season the World Series Champs (it only plays against American and Canadian teams. On top of that, America got spanked in the Baseball World Cup... so you have to kind of be amused by the level of arrogance... but that's besides the point). Because I'm such a football fan, I have to love America even more for broadcasting college football, pro football, arena football, some Canadian football games, and even high school games.

8) Entertainment - I'm sorry, but I think the country would be a lot different if we didn't have shows like Springer, Maury, and any of the seemingly hundreds of judge shows on television... and not necessarily in a good way. In short, America loves smut. I watch smut. I hate myself for watching it, and I feel my braincells dying when I watch it. But it's still entertaining. I don't know a lot about the smut levels in other countries, but it's just right for the US of A.

9) Holidays - Memorial Day, Labor Day, Lincoln's Birthday, Columbus Day, Independence Day, and MLK Jr Day are all nationally recognized holidays... and those are just the ones that are ON the calendar! Whether people like them or hate them, they STILL celebrate them! On top of that, people actually celebrate smaller "holidays" like Arbor Day and Elvis's birthday. America is a partying country, and we'll make up any reason to have a party dammit!

10) Technology - There aren't very many countries that are ahead of us in the technological field. Our tech expertise allows me to tell you why I love this country, and it allows you to tell me why I'm right or wrong. It allows me to broadcast my reasons on CBS if I wanted to, and it allows me to use my Blackberry to send this blog to each of you.

So those are my ten reasons to love being here. I could've thought of more reasons, but 10 seems to be the perfect number. No, black people weren't represented when Independence Day was originally a concept. But we have the freedoms now. And we can tell the government how we feel to make it an even better country. And that's a lot more independence than in other countries. Now excuse me while I finish off the holiday weekend with more burgers and Budweiser.