TIME TO MAN UP!!!

I've been thinkin about this on and off for a while. I think I've finally decided...

I'm just not manly enough.

Remember that scene in Rudy, where Rudy was getting down on himself... then Charles Dutton says "You're five foot nothin! You're a hundred and nothin! And you have barely a speck of athletic ability!" I think he was talking about me when he said that. I'm five foot nothin, a hundred and nothin... but I have some athletic ability. So along with being short, I know nothing about cars, computers, gadgets, or fixing things. I've been an analyst for public entities (not very manly). The manliest things I know how to do is cook, run my mouth (or fingers) and play a couple of instruments. If that is the list... I definitely need some work.

So...

IT'S TIME TO MAN THE F*CK UP!!!

I've been thinking about ways to add some chest hair (literally and figuratively) and make myself more manly.

1) Learn about cars. The only thing I know about cars are how to drive them, how to change a tire, and how to change the oil. That's it. If I took a test that asked to point out the radiator and alternator, I'd give myself an "F-" right away. I used to have a roommate who seemed to know EVERYTHING about cars, trucks, vans, and anything that has an engine and four tires. He once used his car knowledge to pimp out an Econovan, then used it in street races... and won most of them. That's some manly sh*t right there. Then again, my Aunt Tina knows more about cars than Jeff Gordon's pit crew. So maybe that's subjective. Driving a Mustang or Expedition to overcompensate would also fall in this category.

2) Pack on the pounds. Everyone has seen that guy in the gym. He pretty much lives in the gym. He works out 6 days a week for at least three hours each time. And every time you see him, he's either squatting or bench pressing all of the plates in the gym with ten small children sitting on top of the bar. This man's muscles has muscles on top of them. He's so big, you know that he has to have his clothes especially made. And it probably grosses you out to see him walking around in a little speedo with veins popping out all over the place. But he's a man, you KNOW he's a man, and he has everyone's attention. If I could do this naturally, this might not be a bad idea. Then again, there's some gender-bending that takes away from this manliness. These men shave their entire bodies and oil themselves up, while women like Chyna are being seen more frequently. I'll have to think about this one too.

3) Obsess about the size of my d*ck. In the last three weeks, I have received more than 300 spam emails (and counting) that are telling me to increase the size of my d*ck. No exaggeration. At first, I thought it was regular spam. But after the spam count passed 100, I started wondering if it was a sign. I mean I'm already hung like a rhinoceros, but someone out there apparently thinks that you can never have enough. Real men grab themselves and talk about how much they are packing. Women talk about bigger being better... so maybe I'll set my sites on setting a world record.

4) Learn how to fix something in the house... anything. When it comes to repairs, if something in the house breaks down, my best skill is opening up the phone book and finding someone to fix it. I know nothing about electricity, plumbing, drywall, power tools, or foundations. I'd probably find a way to kill myself using a power drill. And, knowing me, it probably would be funnier than a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. The best I can do is use a lawn mower and a paint brush. This area could be a possibility. They make home repairs look pretty easy on HGTV. So if I watch that channel and sleep at a Holiday Inn Express, this one could work.

5) Drink beer and fight. I don't drink anymore, and I'm not a fan of fighting either... unless I have my Sho Nuff gear with me. Then it's on. But since I don't most of the time, this one won't work at all.

6) Get my pimp on. Not literally hitting the streets, finding a crew of ladies, have them charge 20 bucks for favors, then I keep 19. I mean being the ladies man. I could change my clothing style to something like Chris Brown, get my mack on everywhere from the clubs to the grocery store, then share those stories with every guy who will listen. Hmmmm... this one wouldn't work for two reasons. First, I'm broke and can't afford the hottest name brands. It's hard to dress like Chris Brown if Target and Kohl's are your best friends. Second, becoming a ladies man really wouldn't fly in a relationship.

So those are my options for now. Now to figure out which one to work on...