Des Moines, IA = My Kind of Town!

I'm homesick... again. It comes and goes. Sometimes, it has to do with things going on at home. Sometimes, it has to do with things that I'd like to get away from in Columbus. Sometimes, it's nothing more than wanting to see the people, places, and things I grew up with. Sometimes, it's all of the above. But the feeling always leaves after a while. It's a cycle. However, some people have actually wondered why I miss Des Moines... you know... that place in that state with only 50 residents that all grow potatoes and where people drive tractors to work. (BTW, Iowa grows corn, not potatoes.) So nothing against Columbus, NYC, Oxford, or Fort Lauderdale (all of which are deserving of their own lists), here are the top ten reasons to love Des Moines, in no particular order.

1) Maid-Rite Restaurants - I love sloppy joes. No... I REALLY love sloppy joes. If you're a fan of sloppy joes, this place is for you. If you're a fan of old-style restaurants, this place is for you. If you're a fan of restaurants that you will only find in one city or place, this place is for you.

2) Skywalk System - Des Moines is one of two (I think) cities in the US that has a skywalk system. If you don't know what that is, if you go into an elevator in a downtown building, and if the floor numbering goes like "1, 2, 2.5, 3," 2.5 is the skywalk connection. You can walk around downtown without getting any of the summer heat or winter cold. The skywalk is completely enclosed and circles most buildings and and crosses over most downtown streets. You get a nice view of the traffic below as well as the rest of downtown Des Moines. It's a unique and underappreciated thing about the city.

3) The gold dome - Des Moines has one of only two or three (I think) capital buildings with a gold dome. Most capital buildings look like oversized libraries, historical buildings, or prisons. But the Iowa capital building screams...

I AM THE CAPITAL!!! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN GO F*CK YOURSELF!!!

It's all because of the dome, even when it's under construction. Unlike Ohio's capital building or a number of other ones, you CANNOT mistake Iowa's capital building for anything else. That's how it should be.

4) Low travel time to other cities - Chicago, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, Omaha, Kansas City, St. Louis, and Indianapolis. And if you stretch a little further, Memphis, Little Rock, Oklahoma City, and Cincinnati. There was a joke a long time ago that one of the best things to do when you're in Des Moines is to pack your bags and get the f*ck out. Well, there is some truth to the joke, because all of these cities are within driving distance. Des Moines, as weird as it may sound, is a good city to live in if you love going on road trips. Not only that, but Des Moines is a crossroad for high-quality live entertainment because of its location. Most of the best performers put it down in Des Moines. Seriously... if Paul McCartney has to do a show in Minneapolis on Monday and Kansas City on Friday, he's going to stop in Des Moines on Wednesday, even if the show is as short as a smoke break. Location, location, location.

5) Water Works Park and Gray's Lake - Nature at its finest. Forget about the road that runs right between them. Instead, focus on the lake with the walkway going over it that lights up into a thousand different colors at night. Focus on the ponds where parents can take the kids fishing. Focus on the picnic tables and open grassy areas where you can have a relaxing picnic or party, read a book, take a nap, look at clouds, or participate in other park debauchery in your own "privacy." Focus on the trees, flowered spots, and ducks and geese that walk right up to you and either get some food or peck you in your forehead. Focus on the walking paths and horse stables. Focus on relaxation while you're in either of these spots.

6) Court Avenue - Restaurants. Clubs. Bars. River. Baseball stadium. Ampitheater. One of the things that make a city a metro city is all of these things in one area. Court Avenue is right in the middle of downtown. Like any other social district in the US, it can get boring if you show up every night for 365 days. However, in moderation, these things add to the city's charm. So if you ever stop in Des Moines, stay at the Hotel Fort Des Moines, eat at Buzzard Billy's, go dancing or get your drink on at any of the clubs, relax by the big green umbrella, take in a show at the Civic Center or Wells Fargo arena, go skywalking, and/or enjoy a night at the ampitheater if the weather is decent. While you're at it, tell Court Avenue that I sent you.

7) Something for everyone - Des Moines is right in the middle of Iowa. Iowa is overwhelmingly a small-town farming state. So a lot of the peoplewho live in Des Moines bring a small town frame of mind. On the other hand, there are a lot of people in Des Moines who come from larger cities, like Chicago, Minneapolis, and even Cincinnati, looking for life on the smaller scale. Drake University and a wide range of jobs play a role in attracting a diverse array of individuals. So this city with a metro population of around 500,000, you will find small town life, big city life, every age range, race, religion, sexual preference, background, lifestyle, and occupation under the sun. If you love living downtown, you can live in Des Moines. If you love the small town closeness, you can live in Des Moines. If you're someone who would rather live in the burbs, Des Moines has that and is still expanding. If you can't find at least a couple things you like about Des Moines, you need to get your head examined.

8) Big Tomato Pizza - Best f*cking pizza on the planet. They put anything you want on a pizza. If you go in and say "I want a seaweed pizza with chicken soup for sauce," they will ask you how long to cut the seaweed and if you want it delivered. After 10pm, they sell single slices. The best part about that is that you can go and watch all the drunk freaks and nutcases with the munchies get their grub on. Great food with unplanned entertainment. What more can you ask for?

9) Sports atmosphere - The ongoing debate will always be this... are you an Iowa fan or Iowa State fan? However, there will always been divides between the Cubs, White Sox, Twins, Cardinals, Royals, Bears, Vikings, Packers, Rams, Chiefs, Bulls, and Timberwolves. Of course, you can't ever forget about the Iowa Cubs and Sec Taylor Stadium. High school sports in general (wrestling, football, track, and boys and girls basketball in particular) have always generated a lof of emotion and bitter feelings among Iowans. If you love sports, you'll love Des Moines and its uber-competitive envirtionment. In every sports bar, you will find someone who is with you or against you.

10) Des Moines is home. I grew up there. Most of my family, some of my friends, and a good portion of memories will always be there. That's all I gotta say about that.

Honorable mention - Drake Relays

Today in Biznessssssss...

I came across an article that was interesting. The idea of the article is that there are a number of businesses that will probably disappear in a year or two. It was interesting to me, because I have no business sense... but I'm familiar with nearly every business that was listed. Go figure. Anyway, here is the list. Enjoy the businesses while they are still around.

**Note - I'm no business analyst, so don't put any stock into anything that is about to be said.**

1) XM Satellite - No surprise. I don't know a single person who has an XM radio. Snoop Dogg's cartoon with the gold tooth couldn't help them a while ago, and nothing can save them now. In the meantime, go buy yourself a Sirius radio, and tell Howard Stern I said hi.

2) E*Trade - Don't know anything about stocks. Don't know anything about internet stock brokers. Don't know anything about trading stocks through an internet broker. Next.

3) K-Mart - You know who this one will hurt the most? Martha Stewart. Where is she going to sell her bedsheets and doilies if K-Mart disappears?

4) Dodge - This is no surprise either. When people talk about their cars, what do you hear?

"Yeah... that's a nice Chevy."

"Does that Honda really get that kind of mileage?"

Here's something you never hear...

"Can't wait to cruise in my Dodge."

The last time you heard that was when Al Bundy pimped his hoopty Dodge to its millionth mile. The new Dodge Chargers are pretty hot, but I'd rather be driving other cars. Besides... it's a Dodge.

5) Circuit City - I don't know anything about Circuit City. I've never been in one, and the ones I have heard about were pretty ghetto. And Best Buy has always been good to me. If Circuit City disappears, I wouldn't care at all. Although I may show up during their "going out of business" sale and see if I can get a 100 inch TV for 50 bucks.

6) Gateway - They still make Gateway computers?

7) Vonage - You know what I'll miss most about Vonage? The commercials. Those things were funny. And on top of that, their music stuck in your head for too d*mn long.

WOO HOO! WOO HOO HOO!

8) Yahoo! - The thing about Yahoo is that it won't completely disappear. Microsoft is planning on buying out Yahoo. Do you know what that means?

BILL GATES WILL OWN PEOPLE'S THOUGHTS!!!

That's right! He already owns your main operating system! Now he'll own the place where we talk! All of the words typed on 360 will be the property of one of the richest men on the planet! How do you think they'll like that?!?!

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

9) Old Navy - Okay... this one would hurt a little bit. Old Navy is a good brand made for cheap b*st*rds like me. It's the only name brand that I will happily wear. If Old Navy disappears, life will still be okay. Steve and Barry's makes good, cheap clothes. And if they get expensive, I have no problem bringing back the loin cloth. Would that be considered retro?

10) Countrywide - I can't even joke about Countrywide. They deserve to disappear. They are a big reason the housing situation is the way it is across the country. F*ck Countrywide. Next.

11) Motorola - Motorola makes some nice toys... they also made my life hell when I worked with them through a state contract (long story). You know who else makes nice toys? LG and Samsung. It's been a nice ride. Time for the next generation.

V's Moment of Truth

I think I've found a new vice... and it comes in the form of trainwreck television. It doesn't have any has-been tv stars, like pretty much every show on VH-1. And it doesn't have lower-class people being exploited, like on Jerry Springer. This is, in some ways, worse...

This is Moment of Truth on Fox.

This show challenges the honesty of Americans. A person gets on stage by him or herself with the host. They can invite people to sit near the stage as "support." That support is usually husbands or wives, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, close friends, etc. The host repeats questions to the person onstage that were asked to them earlier. The only difference is that the questions asked before the show were taken while the person was attached to a lie detector. Around 50-100 questions are asked offstage, the person has no clue how the lie detector read, and they have no idea which questions will be asked when the cameras are actually rolling.

The questions come in tiers. The first tier is six questions, the second is five, the third is four, etc. If you make it through the first tier, you win $10,000. If you make it through the second, you win $25,000. If you make it through all six tiers by answering all 21 questions correctly, you win $500,000.

It pays to be honest, doesn't it? Hmmm...

It's not so bad on the show at first, either. Once the cameras are rolling, they repeat the questions while the cameras are rolling, the person onstage needs to give the correct answers... that is, the answers that either registered the truth or would've answered the truth according to the lie detector. The first six questions are easy ones... like "do you think you're fat?" or "do you wish you owned more cats?"

It's easy to win $10,000, but if you answer ANY question wrong, you lose everything. You can quit before a question is asked and save yourself. Once you get into the second tier... well... let me give you the rundown of last night.

This lady was on the show last night and had her mom, brother, and husband as her guests. Among the questions asked...

Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a New York Yankee player while having sex with your husband? She said yes, and hubby thought it was hilarious. The look on the host's face was like "If you thought that was funny, wait til you see the next few jokes."

Have you ever fantasized about having sex with your co-worker? The woman owned a business with one other person... so she has only one co-worker. She said yes. Hubby didn't think it was funny anymore.

Did you invite anyone to the wedding that you have had a previous sexual relationship with? She said yes, and hubby looked like he was ready to punch the host in the face and drive over his wife with his Honda. She looked right at him after she answered and said defiantly "I'll NEVER tell you who it was." Damn.

Then they switched to grilling her about her mom. They asked "Do you think you're a better mom to your kids than your mom was to you?" Her mom said that she wasn't that great and hoped that she was. The woman said yes, and the answer was true.

Then they asked "Do you think your husband's parents were better to you than your own parents?" She started crying and opened up... saying her parents missed some things in her life and it hurt, but her in-laws were always there. She said yes, and the answer was true. So now, her mom AND her hubby are pissed.

The last question she answered before she took her $100,000 and walked was "Do you have any secrets that would potentially destroy your marriage?" You could see the tears coming down, and she said yes. The answer was true. The host said "I bet you two are going to talk about this and there is no getting out of it." The hubby said "You're damn right. No getting out of it." The woman got up and hugged hubby and said she loves him. He had this look on his face, as if to say "enjoy your moment, b*tch... cuz when we get home, it's on."

I feel sorry for the GUESTS that the participant invites. Here the participant is... thinking they have absolutely nothing to hide. They invite the people closest to them, and they are feeling good... and by the time the show is over, they have answered questions about the people they INVITED that could ruin their relationships and cost them their jobs. I don't feel sorry for the participant, because they chose to do it. But the guests had no idea what was coming and they get embarassed on national tv just as much, if not more, than the person being questioned. These people think that they have NOTHING to hide, and they can't wait to collect their money for being so honest and sweet. Then they get on, they sh*t their underwear the first time a question comes up that they don't want aired, they realize that the worst has yet to come, and wish that someone would stop the madness.

And I watch every second of it while sitting on the edge of my seat. I know that's sad to watch people wreck their lives for our entertainment... but once those questions are asked, you can't help but think things like "she better say no!" or "oooohhhh... someone is in trouble!" It sucks you in... or at least it does to me. Maybe I watch, because I know that is one of the few shows I'd never go on. I know I have sh*t in my closet... I'd prefer not having it exposed on prime time. So since I won't do it, I'll watch other people who think they're braver than most crash into a brick wall.

If you really think you have nothing to hide, I CHALLENGE you to go on that show. That host will make sure that you realize how dirty your closet is. And when your embarassment is over, I'll pass you popcorn and tissues.

By the way, no one has won $500,000 yet. However, there have been plenty of losers and people who walk away with their tail between their legs.

Salute to One of the Greatest of All Time

Until Lovie Smith took over, he beat up on my beloved Chicago Bears twice a year. He went out of his way to make sure my team didn't win conference titles. His indecision to not retire has impeded the quarterback growth of Aaron Rodgers... and as a Bears fan, I suppose I really shouldn't care. His inability to decide to retire has held the Packers hostage, because they couldn't address other needs until he made up his mind. And again, I really shouldn't care. But he had a career year in 2007. Two of his three losses this past season were to the Bears, but he played so well, that you expected him to come back and harass teams for a couple more years. You wanted him to just get off the damn field. Because of him, my hatred of the Packers went as deep as Red Sox fans who hate the Yanks... or Buckeye fans who hate the Wolverines.

But after 17 years, it's finally over. Brett Favre has officially retired.

That's right.

As much as I may dislike him on the surface, you really can feel nothing but love for this guy. Favre is the definition of a true warrior. Over the last few years, he has battled an addiction to painkillers, the death of his father, and his wife's breast cancer. It would've been easy, and pretty much expected, for anyone else to take time off to deal with their issues. Not Brett. He expressed himself on the field. And he expressed himself to 3 consecutive MVPs (I think he's the only one who ever won three in a row), two Super Bowl appearances with one victory, and nearly every QB record in the books.

As much as I hated him when he played against my team, it was a lot of fun watching him make every single person around him better. It's been great to see him not take the game too seriously and play the game as if he was playing it in his backyard with some high school buddies. You were with him (or devoutly against him) through every time he threw a touchdown, every time he threw an interception, every time he got sacked, every time he escaped a sack and made some kind of memorable improv play. Favre made the game fun to watch for those who DON'T like football, and he reminded new fans how much fun the game is through his old-school determination and grit.

On one hand, I'm glad he's done. He can't harass my Bears anymore. Aaron Rodgers finally has a chance to show the world what he's made of... or what he's lacking. It sucks that he has to do it while in Favre's shadow, but that's life. On the other hand, the game will miss his style of play. It's been a fun ride for your friends as well as your haters, Brett... even when you were making our lives miserable. Thanks for the memories. See you in the Hall of Fame. If anyone deserves to be there, it's you.

Sincerely,

A Bears Fan/Packers Hater

TIME TO MAN UP!!!

I've been thinkin about this on and off for a while. I think I've finally decided...

I'm just not manly enough.

Remember that scene in Rudy, where Rudy was getting down on himself... then Charles Dutton says "You're five foot nothin! You're a hundred and nothin! And you have barely a speck of athletic ability!" I think he was talking about me when he said that. I'm five foot nothin, a hundred and nothin... but I have some athletic ability. So along with being short, I know nothing about cars, computers, gadgets, or fixing things. I've been an analyst for public entities (not very manly). The manliest things I know how to do is cook, run my mouth (or fingers) and play a couple of instruments. If that is the list... I definitely need some work.

So...

IT'S TIME TO MAN THE F*CK UP!!!

I've been thinking about ways to add some chest hair (literally and figuratively) and make myself more manly.

1) Learn about cars. The only thing I know about cars are how to drive them, how to change a tire, and how to change the oil. That's it. If I took a test that asked to point out the radiator and alternator, I'd give myself an "F-" right away. I used to have a roommate who seemed to know EVERYTHING about cars, trucks, vans, and anything that has an engine and four tires. He once used his car knowledge to pimp out an Econovan, then used it in street races... and won most of them. That's some manly sh*t right there. Then again, my Aunt Tina knows more about cars than Jeff Gordon's pit crew. So maybe that's subjective. Driving a Mustang or Expedition to overcompensate would also fall in this category.

2) Pack on the pounds. Everyone has seen that guy in the gym. He pretty much lives in the gym. He works out 6 days a week for at least three hours each time. And every time you see him, he's either squatting or bench pressing all of the plates in the gym with ten small children sitting on top of the bar. This man's muscles has muscles on top of them. He's so big, you know that he has to have his clothes especially made. And it probably grosses you out to see him walking around in a little speedo with veins popping out all over the place. But he's a man, you KNOW he's a man, and he has everyone's attention. If I could do this naturally, this might not be a bad idea. Then again, there's some gender-bending that takes away from this manliness. These men shave their entire bodies and oil themselves up, while women like Chyna are being seen more frequently. I'll have to think about this one too.

3) Obsess about the size of my d*ck. In the last three weeks, I have received more than 300 spam emails (and counting) that are telling me to increase the size of my d*ck. No exaggeration. At first, I thought it was regular spam. But after the spam count passed 100, I started wondering if it was a sign. I mean I'm already hung like a rhinoceros, but someone out there apparently thinks that you can never have enough. Real men grab themselves and talk about how much they are packing. Women talk about bigger being better... so maybe I'll set my sites on setting a world record.

4) Learn how to fix something in the house... anything. When it comes to repairs, if something in the house breaks down, my best skill is opening up the phone book and finding someone to fix it. I know nothing about electricity, plumbing, drywall, power tools, or foundations. I'd probably find a way to kill myself using a power drill. And, knowing me, it probably would be funnier than a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. The best I can do is use a lawn mower and a paint brush. This area could be a possibility. They make home repairs look pretty easy on HGTV. So if I watch that channel and sleep at a Holiday Inn Express, this one could work.

5) Drink beer and fight. I don't drink anymore, and I'm not a fan of fighting either... unless I have my Sho Nuff gear with me. Then it's on. But since I don't most of the time, this one won't work at all.

6) Get my pimp on. Not literally hitting the streets, finding a crew of ladies, have them charge 20 bucks for favors, then I keep 19. I mean being the ladies man. I could change my clothing style to something like Chris Brown, get my mack on everywhere from the clubs to the grocery store, then share those stories with every guy who will listen. Hmmmm... this one wouldn't work for two reasons. First, I'm broke and can't afford the hottest name brands. It's hard to dress like Chris Brown if Target and Kohl's are your best friends. Second, becoming a ladies man really wouldn't fly in a relationship.

So those are my options for now. Now to figure out which one to work on...

Time to Vote... Or Is It?

We all know about it. We've seen it. We're probably getting tired of it... but it's too important to not have an opinion about it one way or another. It's another presidential election. It'll be either Clinton or Obama vs. McCain. It very likely will be the most important election in decades, so it's extremely important to make your voice heard...

Or is it?

In Ohio, there is a growing movement of people who are deciding not to vote this year. And why?

Because of the superdelegates.

Hmm...

For the Democratic Party, the party's nominee needs to receive the highest total number of delegates and superdelegates. The total number of delegates makes up 4/5 of the total number, while superdelegates makes up 1/5. The delegates are distributed based on the number of votes received by each person. However, the superdelegates are different. According to Wikipedia, "the superdelegates are seated automatically, based solely on their status as current or former elected officeholders and party officials. They are free to support any candidate for the nomination."

So what does that mean?

It means that if you compile all of the votes this year, they won't be counted as a whole, but as 4/5 of the total. An entire 20% is dedicated to people who are considered more special than us "regular" voters and probably don't care much about our votes. The superdelegates, who are not placed into their superdelegate position by the voters, can vote for whoever they want to.

Simplifying more?

In a close election, our current or former elected officials will decide the Democratic Party's nominee... NOT the voters.

For the most part, Clinton and Obama are running a pretty close race with Obama in the lead. If it were up to ONLY regular voters/delegates, Obama would likely win. However, because of the weight of the superdelegates, Clinton may actually win the race, because the superdelegates consist mostly of "old school" officials.

The argument to not vote goes kind of like this. The race is already close. Polls and votes indicates that Obama leads across the country by a few percentage points. But the weight of the superdelegates is so heavy, that it won't matter what the people are actually saying. Those who are choosing not to vote are choosing not to do so, because the weight of the superdelegates is undemocratic and defeats the purpose of voting. Is it really fair that our votes goes TOWARD the delegate distribution, while an individual superdelegate EQUALS one vote of the overall count? Even if the vote is close, even if Obama or Hillary is selected as the Democratic candidate by ACTUAL VOTERS by 1 vote, the people's voice should count for 100%, not 80%. Period. 20% of the people's voice should not be people who may not represent their interests and possibly change the voice of the voters. It would be like Al Gore winning the popular vote, but not winning the presidency. So the people who support the movement will not support the voting process, and possibly not the candidate ultimately selected by the superdelegates.

Makes sense... but...

The other side of the argument goes like this. The superdelegates makes it even MORE important that we vote. The delegate process was revised in 1968, because of how the delegates were selected. If we don't vote and make our voices heard, AND if our candidate is selected because of the superdelegate votes, the possibility of further revisions in the future would be less effective, because of the "lack" of participation by the voters. If you want change, regarding candidate or process, make your voice heard by voting. Otherwise, you have no reason to complain. Your candidate may not win the election this year because of the way the system works, but you make changes with your vote.

Also makes sense.

I'm torn about who to vote for and may take the high road and not vote for different reasons (not crazy about either one... I kinda like "none of the above"). But regardless, this is definitely a different way of deciding if your vote matters...