Since blackness is narrowly defined, and I've been outside of those definitions for quite some time, I'm giving my ghetto pass back. Here are twenty reasons:1) Not only was I born and raised in Des Moines, IA, Des Moines is also in my top four cities in the US (along with Columbus, OH, Chicago, IL, and Madison, WI).
2) I have never had a cool nickname. Verbal is closest, but it usually reminds people of the crazy white dude in the Usual Suspects.
3) Wonder Bread and Miracle Whip are delicious.
4) I only have one dance move - side to side. And every now and then, I bend my knees. And some of the time, that one dance move doesn't work like it should.
5) OJ did it.
6) So did R. Kelly and Michael Jackson.
7) I'm perfectly okay with dating outside of the race... so long as it's not dating outside just to say you did it.
8) I have voted for a Republican in my lifetime, and it's not beyond me to do it again.
9) Seinfeld is one of the funniest shows ever.
10) I have no "black accent". As a matter of fact, I sound like my mom and dad fed me the dictionary until I was 18.
11) Even though I'm not as angry as I used to be, I still get angry at individual people far more than other races. So you won't find me trying to find racism in a box of Shredded Wheat or railing on how Jews run the world.
12) I don't "buy black" for the sake of doing it. Best bargains get my money every time. So sorry, Sean John and Roca Wear. I'd rather hang at Target and still look good while keeping more money in my pocket.
13) If the average size of a black penis is 37" like one is lead to believe, then I'm hung like a fruitfly.
(Wait a minute... I can't lie about this one. I'm really hung like a f*cking blue whale. Let's skip this one and move to #14)
14) Although football is my favorite sport, I'd rather watch skateboarding, motorcross, and Winter X games over basketball any day.
15) Outrageous jewelry and pimped out cars make me feel like I'm bleeding on the inside. Give me an almost-new Honda Accord over an Escalade sitting on 22s any day.
16) I won't, under any circumstance, watch BET. I haven't watched BET since they fired Tavis Smiley and won't start watching it now.
17) I have good credit.
18) I don't refer to myself as African-American. I'm not from Africa, neither were my parents, their parents, or their parents. That sh*t annoys me, just like it does for people that are at least three or four generations removed from being Italian, Irish, or any other ethnicity.
19) I can name 10 country AND 10 classical songs that I LIKE.
20) I have no bitterness toward any police department. I DO have bitterness toward the police who abuse their power... just like I have bitterness toward any m*thaf*cka in the business world or even in relationships that do things that equate to the same amount of damage.
So there you have it. Even though I have dark skin, I'm done with this whole being black thing. It sucks. Rip up my ghetto pass. I'm done with it. I don't know how to classify myself... but I think I'm better off figuring that out down the road.
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