The Witnesses At My Door

So Saturday was the first day of Memorial Day weekend. I had things to do, but I needed to relax as well. So I rolled out of bed later in the morning and threw on some sweats. First things first... laundry. I threw my stuff into a laundry basket and headed out the door (the laundry room for the apartment is on the opposite side of the complex and you have to go outside to get to it). When I opened my door, two people were standing in front of it, clearly startled and clearly getting ready to knock on my door. One was a tall older guy, and the other was a kid... probably about 10 years old or so. Both were dressed in suits. Both were holding briefcases and Bibles. One was holding copies of Watch Tower and Awake magazines. Jehovah's Witness was knocking at my door. What a way to start the day out.

Before I go further, I should make it clear that I grew up in a pretty Christian house. My dad was Episcopalian and my mom was Baptist (don't ask... I don't know how they got along for so long either). My dad didn't care for Witnesses when they knocked at the door... if anything, he'd start a lively debate and save the rest of the neighborhood from them by taking their time. My mom, however, was the one who would see them coming from a mile away and would pick them off from her bedroom window if she had a rifle. Depending on my mood, I could go either way. Anyway, the idea is that neither of them appreciated them and had different approaches to dealing with them.

So it's crystal clear that the kid is so nervous, he was about to sh*t his pants. Both guys smile at me, and the kid hands me a copy of Awake magazine. He said that he wants to read a quote from the Bible. He's fumbling through the Bible trying to find this verse. The old guy doesn't help him at all. He's just standing there. And I'm holding my laundry, trying to be patient. So after what seemed like an eternity, I put my laundry basket down and went to grab something in my living room. When I got back, he found his verse (2 Timothy 3 if you're interested). He read the verse. Then he said that since the last days may be coming, it would benefit me to read the magazine and the Bible.

Now I'm torn. On one hand, I think it's good for a person to have to cold-talk to people like that. It's a good way to learn how to market yourself and how to repress those nervous feelings. On the other hand, I just wanted him to get out of my d*mn face. I had things to do.

When he finished with what he was saying, I politely told the kid that I'm a person finding my way as well, and even though I didn't agree with what he was saying, I appreciated what he was doing. And since I appreciated what he was doing, I was going to give him one of my favorite bookmarks so he doesn't have to fumble to find his verse again. Then I told him that I had things to do, and thanks for stopping by.

The kid has this HUGE beaming smile, while the old guy was pissed. I don't know if he was mad that I could've corrupted the kid, or that I gave him something that the kid appreciated. Whatever. He needed to lighten up.

So the two walked off and I went to do laundry. While I was walking over there, I noticed that every stairwell and walkway through the complex had a couple people wearing identical suits and carrying identical briefcases and Bibles. It irritated me a little more, and I almost wanted to go and take my bookmark back. I didn't, but I wanted to. Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Who knows.

It was still a good weekend anyway. Back to the real world.

What Would You Say If Gas Were A Person?

Hey Gas... you think you're funny huh? You think $3.75 is funny? You're right... that's classic. Come here for a second. I have a joke you'll find hilarious...

You ready? Here goes...

What did the five fingers say to the face?

**SLAP!!!**

Yeah, punk! You need to learn some better jokes! Step to me with your chest puffed out again! You better come correct next time! When you see me, I know you see a m*thaf*cka from Iowa... but I'm straight Children of the Corn, homey! That's right! I'll chop your four foot tall *ss down to three feet! And I'll chop you so hard, your grandkids won't grow past it! Know your role, mayne! Know your role!

What's that? You think you been kind to me, just cuz people in England and China pay twice as much already? You know what I say to that?

**SLAP!!!**

I don't give a f*ck about other countries! This is America! And since we're in America, I have the right to slap the sh*t out of you, then claim not guilty by reason of insanity! You're driving me nuttier than a Snickers bar, so it would work! I will kick your *ss, and you will get your *ss stomped!

Now sit your *ss down, back the f*ck up, and realize that if you help us, we'll help you. You cut out your attitude you developed over the last few years, and we (Americans) will stop smackin the sh*t out of you. Deal?

**Straightening out shirt**

Now that I got that off my chest, I wonder how much it will cost to drive to Cali from Ohio...

Random Thoughts From Cartoon Watching

It was Saturday morning. I'm kickin it with my daughter. And we're watching Barbie Mariposa for the 1000th time. I'm telling you... it gets better every time I see it... but it had me thinking...

When I was little, I was a fan of G.I. Joe and Transformers. My favorite character was Roadblock. He was the big black guy that only spoke in rhyme. He carried an M2 machine gun over his shoulder and loved barbequeing. He looked and acted like Charles Barkly before Charles Barkley was Charles Barkley. Now that I think about it, his character could be a little offensive today... but that's not the point.

When it came to Transformers, my favorites were the Aerobots. Those were the good guy robot/air force airplanes. I think there were five of them, and they could combine to become one super-robot. Pretty cool stuff back in the day.

Watching Mariposa actually isn't much different from the cartoons I watched when I was a kid... outside of the pink horses and rainbows and flowers. In nearly every cartoon series, there is a good guy and a bad guy. Most of the time (at least to me), the bad guy is more fun to watch. And it's not just on cartoons... it's in movies too. They lead more interesting lives. They have cooler gadgets. And every now and then, a good guy would join with the bad guy... only to turn back later, but still. And at the end of every cartoon, the good guy always wins. Optimus Prime leads the Autobots to victory. G.I. Joe defeats Cobra every time. Bruce Leroy gives Sho Nuff the beatdown. Rocky takes Clubber Lang to school. Cartoons are already unrealistic as it is, but does life really work that way? Is it always so cut and dry when deciding who the good guys and bad guys are? Good people do bad things a lot, because they have to... because there is always a gray area... and since when does the good guy always win? In my experience, the bad guy has more fun, has cooler toys, gets more girls, and wins MOST of the time... cartoons would be pretty depressing if they mirrored real life...

Here's another random thought... watching Barbie movies makes me sick to my stomache. All of that girly stuff makes me feel like I should be on the couch eating Yoplait while I have my special time of the month. It's just not manly enough. But my daughter loves them... especially the Fairytopia movies. She has all of the fairies, and she pretends to recreate the movie with them. Since my daughter is multi-racial, I tried to find the black version of the Fairytopia characters... and they actually exist! But did you know that while the white female version of the dolls look like Heidi Klum, the black female version looks more like Cleopatra Jones? While the white male version looks like Brad Pitt, the black male version looks like Bryant Gumbel? Honestly, I'd rather play with Bryant Gumbel and Cleopatra Jones. Neither of them are Barbie-type supermodels, but I bet those dolls could make one hell of a sex scene. (Don't front... you know you made your Barbies hump when you were little. I had Snake Eyes humping Scarlet all the time when I played with GI Joes) My daughter would rather play with anything that looks like it was in the movie. Oh well... maybe I'll get them for myself.

Oh well... here's to Mariposa for the 1001st time.

Lessons of the First 29 Years and 365 Days

No, that's not a typo... it's a leap year, so it's 365 days, not 364.

I've heard mixed things about how this whole 30th birthday should go. Some people talk about how they were ready to party like it's a P Diddy Super Bowl party. Some went into a depression, and bought a couple corvettes. I don't think I fit into either of those groups...

What's funny is that it just seems like another day... at least today does. My birthday isn't until tomorrow. I wouldn't mind a big*zz party, but it won't change my life any. A couple corvettes would be nice, but I'd rather have the money. I'm okay with a high five or chest bump and a Happy Birthday shoutout. But at the same time, I've been thinking back and wondering if I picked up any bits of information that would be useful for the next 30 years. I mean I'm just like anyone else... things have happened in my life... some good, some bad... and you learn from everything. So here are just a few things (in no particular order) I've learned that some of you may agree with, some of you may not... but it's just what I think...

1) The people who say "Respect me, and I'll respect you" are full of sh*t. If you did that, you'd be as much of an *sshole as everyone else. Respect everyone. Period. You'll feel better about yourself in the morning.

2) The people who say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" are full of sh*t. Keep your friends close. Period. There's no need to worry about your enemies when you know your friends have your back as much as you have theirs.

3) Family first.

4) Family doesn't mean just blood relatives.

5) If it looks like a rat, and smells like a rat...

6) The people who say "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" kind of have it right... sometimes, you have to say things that aren't too nice... you can still do it in a respectful and tactful way.

7) Don't EVER let anyone walk over you. You don't deserve that.

8) If you love someone, let them know you love them. A lot.

9) Don't let others dictate what you do with your life in any area... who you date or marry, where you work, what to dream, etc.

10) In my best South Park voice... "Drugs are bad, mmm kay?"

11) God exists. If He didn't, I'd be dead ten times over.

12) Always strive to improve yourself. Keep learning. Keep dreaming. Try something new.

13) Don't be afraid to fail.

14) It really does take a village to raise a child. However, moms and dads, you are the executive, legislative, and judicial branch of your village. Be the leaders of your village, but don't be afraid to be part of someone else's community.

15) Travel. You'll miss more than you can imagine if you never leave your city.

16) It's okay to sing really loud and dance in a public restaurant, and it's okay to take a nap on the statehouse lawn. Have fun, and yes... it's okay to do things just because you'd have a good story to tell.

17) Stand for what and who you believe in.

18) If you hang with nine broke friends, you're bound to be the tenth.

19) If you don't enjoy your job, get one you enjoy. You spend most of your time there... might as well be able to like what you do.

20) Second chances are a wonderful thing. Give one, and someone will love you for it. Get one, and be thankful for it. No one is perfect, so don't act like you are.

Letter to Tyra Banks (You Can Do Better)

Dearest Tyra,

I've had my eye on you for many moons now. I must give you some props. You've been a super successful supermodel for 20 years, and even though you say you retired, your looks will keep you in the limelight for many years to come. You've had the opportunity to date major players from John Singleton to Chris Webber. No one can think of Cover Girl or Victoria's Secret without thinking of you. You've written a book, starred in a number of movies, and even had the opportunity to be a musical flop. Now you have two really successful shows - a talk show and an "American Idol" for models. It really brings a smile to my face to see brothas and sistas make the best out of what they have. Congratulations.

But now I have to keep it real with you. And I tell you this, not because I hate you, but because I'm a concerned male...

You're a conceited hypocrite that makes life difficult for females around the world.

I know you probably don't want to hear that, and you have probably crumbled this letter up. But please hear me out before you list me as just another one of your haters.

I have had the displeasure of watching America's Next Top Model. The show is filled with nothing but the tall and the skinny. Now, please don't get me wrong. There is NOTHING wrong with being tall and skinny if that is the natural build. However, there IS something wrong with being tall and skinny, because you choose to eat nothing but twigs and berries just to get on your show. You're perfectly okay with the latter, and you reward the person who is the tallest and skinniest. That's a little f*cked up in my book.

I know that you'd argue with me over this point. But I'd like to point out one episode that highlights my concern. There was one episode where you and the panel of judges were discussing who to eliminate, and you chose the two largest female contestants. In this case, I would guess that the ladies were probably about 5'9 or 5'10 and weighing in at around 140 or 150 lbs. Not a bad weight at all.... and they were really beautiful females too...

But do you remember what you said about them while the ladies were not present?

You said something to the effect of calling them fat and your show not being the one that they should be on.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

Those women had gorgeous features and were in physically good condition compared to the rest of the cast, and you called them fat?? I think that most of America would fit that description... and the people that fit that description should band together and give you a collective beatdown across the country.

That's right... they should f*ck you up. You're earning it.

What made this worse was during the elimination, you sugar-coated the reason for them being eliminated, by saying that they didn't want it and that the show was "probably not for them." Not one word about what you REALLY thought.

Seriously Tyra... to talk about someone that badly behind their backs, then not keeping it real with them is what Diddy would call a "serious case of bitchassness."

Your show is seen by millions each season or cycle or whatever you want to call it. Instead of using your outlet to build self-esteem for females at a time when it's needed more than ever, you use your platform to tear it down by telling females that they HAVE to be unhealthy and scrawny to be beautiful. You kicked off the "fat" girls, none of the successful girls you've had on your show probably doesn't know what a push-up is (and if they did, they probably got the boot too), and when that one girl passed out during elimination (probably from starvation or dehydration), you blew it off and worried about YOURSELF and how scared YOU were.

Speaking of worrying about yourself, I'm appalled by your talk show as well. Once again, don't get me wrong... I'm not a hater of talk shows. Some shows are entertaining. Some shows have a point. Ellen and Oprah are awesome. Some shows exist because the host likes to hear herself talk and make herself feel better. Yours unfortunately falls into that category.

One show stands out in my mind. Remember that episode where you decided to find out what it's like to be morbidly obese? So you put on a fat suit for a couple hours? It stands out, because you came back crying about how people made fun of you.

I'm sorry, but that was the fakest act I've seen since Michael Jackson's marriage to Lisa Marie. You were crying, because you got made fun of for a couple hours and felt badly for yourself. You WEREN'T crying, because you felt sorry for the people who actually live that way. You got comfort from your cast and people dumb enough to show up to the taping of your show, and 99.9% of America doesn't have that. Way to cash in on your fakeness.

In conclusion, I would strongly encourage you to use your influence to the best of your abilities. I won't assume that you are intentionally a negative influence... but you are. It doesn't have to be that way. You have the TZONE, but no one really knows about that. You have the ability to encourage to love who they are, NOT who magazine covers want them to be. TIME keeps naming you as one of the most influential people, and I can't disagree with that. But PLEASE use that influence for positive things, NOT negative.

I hope that you take this letter as tough criticism, and not something written by someone who took a big drink of Haterade. If you need any more advice, please feel free to come my way. I have plenty more to dish out. Thank you for your time, and keep hope alive.

Signed,

Verbal

When Vengeance Is Best Not Served At All...

I was going to write about a couple other things, but something happened yesterday that is stuck in my head... and it's still bothering me a little bit.
Here's some background. When I was in high school years ago, there were these guys that made it really hard for me to want to go to school. They picked on me and my brothers for any reason they could think of. They made fun of us, because we were short, skinny, fat, nerds, not sounding like we were black, etc. I had more than my fair share of fights with them, but things could have been a lot worse. Regardless, I grew to hate these guys. I mean I REALLY hated them. I wished a slow and painful death upon them. Some nights, I would go to sleep dreaming of ways that they could perish and hopefully burn in hell.

Fast forward to a month ago. I regularly visit the library, and the last few times, I saw this guy... do you ever do one of those things where you see a face, and you think that you recognize that person, then brush it off by saying something like "everyone looks like someone we know" and then call it a day? I did that the first few times. But the last time was different...

He was by himself this time... and I finally got a good look at his face. I knew him, and I knew exactly where I knew him from. Now was the time to say something to him.

I walked towards him, and called his name a few times. On the third call, he turned around. His face changed maybe two or three times in just a few seconds... he thought he knew me, but he wasn't sure how this happened.

"I know you... " he said.

I looked at him, and realized that life had not been kind to this person at all. He had leaves in his hair. His skin had blotches of what appeared to be mud. Judging from the odor, his skin and clothes had clearly not been washed in weeks. In his hands, he was carrying a couple plastic grocery bags that held clothes and pop cans. This man was homeless.

"Yeah, you do know me," I replied.

"How do I know you?"

"Do you remember back in high school when my brother tried out for the football team? You and your brother ran him off the field by yelling how fat he was, and you kept going for the rest of the year. When he told me about what you did, I hit you in the face with my science book. We fought, then you got your friends involved and kept picking on the two of us for the next year plus some."

"You... "

His face changed again to sheer disbelief. He looked down at the ground... I couldn't tell, but he looked like he was ready to cry.

I, too, was in shock. The person who stood before me was on the road to getting a football scholarship, and was smart enough to do something productive with his life, regardless of who he stepped on and crushed in the process. I had so many questions, but I couldn't put together the words to express to the person who was the bane of my existence... the person who I desperately wanted to help at that moment...

"I have to go, but I WILL see you around here again soon, right?"

He looked up, and didn't say anything. Then he looked back down, turned and walked away slowly.

This is stuck in my head, because those that know me know that I never forget, and that I hold grudges. I had not thought about this person in years, but when I saw him and realized how terrible his life had become, I KNOW how wrong this is, but... for a split second... I REALLY wanted to dance in his face. In that split second, everything that he and his friends had done for that long period came back to me, and I wanted him to know and feel as badly as I felt in high school.

But I couldn't do it.

As quickly as that thought came, it left. And I felt sorry for him... and I really wanted to help him.

Vengeance was not an option.

I'm not sure if it's because I want to help a fellow graduate, or if it's because of how terrible I feel about what I felt and thought for that split second... I really wanted to help him... and I still do.
I'm not sure of how to find him or figure out what happened... but I have ideas of how to figure everything out...

And I'm going to do everything that I can to find him, take him for a cup of coffee, find out his story, and see if I can help get him back on his feet...

I'm not even sure why I want to do this... or why I need to do this... but I'm going to try. I hope I didn't scare him to the point of not going back to the library again. And I hope he doesn't think that I'm in this to cause more pain on him.

If I find him again, we'll just see what happens...

The New Odd Couples... Brought to You By...

Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton??

Toby Keith and the Dixie Chicks??

Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingrich??

Not sure if you heard, but each of these pairs will be appearing TOGETHER in ads that promote the need to save the planet. As much bad blood exists between each of the pairings, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

See here.

As odd as these couples seem, do you know who brought each of them together?

Al Gore.

That's right. The boring, Nobel-winning, non-descript former VP, former presidential candidate Al Gore.

He personally and intentionally asked people from opposite sides of the political line to put away their differences and come together for one thing that they believed in. And it worked.

Now that's some real sh*t right there.

Barack...

Hillary...

John...

I hope all of you are paying attention. You wanna be a good president? You need to know how to bring together both sides of the aisle. That's what we (i.e. this country) need. When you get into the office, I hope you call Al first and take some notes on how to do it.