Lessons of the First 29 Years and 365 Days

No, that's not a typo... it's a leap year, so it's 365 days, not 364.

I've heard mixed things about how this whole 30th birthday should go. Some people talk about how they were ready to party like it's a P Diddy Super Bowl party. Some went into a depression, and bought a couple corvettes. I don't think I fit into either of those groups...

What's funny is that it just seems like another day... at least today does. My birthday isn't until tomorrow. I wouldn't mind a big*zz party, but it won't change my life any. A couple corvettes would be nice, but I'd rather have the money. I'm okay with a high five or chest bump and a Happy Birthday shoutout. But at the same time, I've been thinking back and wondering if I picked up any bits of information that would be useful for the next 30 years. I mean I'm just like anyone else... things have happened in my life... some good, some bad... and you learn from everything. So here are just a few things (in no particular order) I've learned that some of you may agree with, some of you may not... but it's just what I think...

1) The people who say "Respect me, and I'll respect you" are full of sh*t. If you did that, you'd be as much of an *sshole as everyone else. Respect everyone. Period. You'll feel better about yourself in the morning.

2) The people who say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" are full of sh*t. Keep your friends close. Period. There's no need to worry about your enemies when you know your friends have your back as much as you have theirs.

3) Family first.

4) Family doesn't mean just blood relatives.

5) If it looks like a rat, and smells like a rat...

6) The people who say "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" kind of have it right... sometimes, you have to say things that aren't too nice... you can still do it in a respectful and tactful way.

7) Don't EVER let anyone walk over you. You don't deserve that.

8) If you love someone, let them know you love them. A lot.

9) Don't let others dictate what you do with your life in any area... who you date or marry, where you work, what to dream, etc.

10) In my best South Park voice... "Drugs are bad, mmm kay?"

11) God exists. If He didn't, I'd be dead ten times over.

12) Always strive to improve yourself. Keep learning. Keep dreaming. Try something new.

13) Don't be afraid to fail.

14) It really does take a village to raise a child. However, moms and dads, you are the executive, legislative, and judicial branch of your village. Be the leaders of your village, but don't be afraid to be part of someone else's community.

15) Travel. You'll miss more than you can imagine if you never leave your city.

16) It's okay to sing really loud and dance in a public restaurant, and it's okay to take a nap on the statehouse lawn. Have fun, and yes... it's okay to do things just because you'd have a good story to tell.

17) Stand for what and who you believe in.

18) If you hang with nine broke friends, you're bound to be the tenth.

19) If you don't enjoy your job, get one you enjoy. You spend most of your time there... might as well be able to like what you do.

20) Second chances are a wonderful thing. Give one, and someone will love you for it. Get one, and be thankful for it. No one is perfect, so don't act like you are.

Letter to Tyra Banks (You Can Do Better)

Dearest Tyra,

I've had my eye on you for many moons now. I must give you some props. You've been a super successful supermodel for 20 years, and even though you say you retired, your looks will keep you in the limelight for many years to come. You've had the opportunity to date major players from John Singleton to Chris Webber. No one can think of Cover Girl or Victoria's Secret without thinking of you. You've written a book, starred in a number of movies, and even had the opportunity to be a musical flop. Now you have two really successful shows - a talk show and an "American Idol" for models. It really brings a smile to my face to see brothas and sistas make the best out of what they have. Congratulations.

But now I have to keep it real with you. And I tell you this, not because I hate you, but because I'm a concerned male...

You're a conceited hypocrite that makes life difficult for females around the world.

I know you probably don't want to hear that, and you have probably crumbled this letter up. But please hear me out before you list me as just another one of your haters.

I have had the displeasure of watching America's Next Top Model. The show is filled with nothing but the tall and the skinny. Now, please don't get me wrong. There is NOTHING wrong with being tall and skinny if that is the natural build. However, there IS something wrong with being tall and skinny, because you choose to eat nothing but twigs and berries just to get on your show. You're perfectly okay with the latter, and you reward the person who is the tallest and skinniest. That's a little f*cked up in my book.

I know that you'd argue with me over this point. But I'd like to point out one episode that highlights my concern. There was one episode where you and the panel of judges were discussing who to eliminate, and you chose the two largest female contestants. In this case, I would guess that the ladies were probably about 5'9 or 5'10 and weighing in at around 140 or 150 lbs. Not a bad weight at all.... and they were really beautiful females too...

But do you remember what you said about them while the ladies were not present?

You said something to the effect of calling them fat and your show not being the one that they should be on.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

Those women had gorgeous features and were in physically good condition compared to the rest of the cast, and you called them fat?? I think that most of America would fit that description... and the people that fit that description should band together and give you a collective beatdown across the country.

That's right... they should f*ck you up. You're earning it.

What made this worse was during the elimination, you sugar-coated the reason for them being eliminated, by saying that they didn't want it and that the show was "probably not for them." Not one word about what you REALLY thought.

Seriously Tyra... to talk about someone that badly behind their backs, then not keeping it real with them is what Diddy would call a "serious case of bitchassness."

Your show is seen by millions each season or cycle or whatever you want to call it. Instead of using your outlet to build self-esteem for females at a time when it's needed more than ever, you use your platform to tear it down by telling females that they HAVE to be unhealthy and scrawny to be beautiful. You kicked off the "fat" girls, none of the successful girls you've had on your show probably doesn't know what a push-up is (and if they did, they probably got the boot too), and when that one girl passed out during elimination (probably from starvation or dehydration), you blew it off and worried about YOURSELF and how scared YOU were.

Speaking of worrying about yourself, I'm appalled by your talk show as well. Once again, don't get me wrong... I'm not a hater of talk shows. Some shows are entertaining. Some shows have a point. Ellen and Oprah are awesome. Some shows exist because the host likes to hear herself talk and make herself feel better. Yours unfortunately falls into that category.

One show stands out in my mind. Remember that episode where you decided to find out what it's like to be morbidly obese? So you put on a fat suit for a couple hours? It stands out, because you came back crying about how people made fun of you.

I'm sorry, but that was the fakest act I've seen since Michael Jackson's marriage to Lisa Marie. You were crying, because you got made fun of for a couple hours and felt badly for yourself. You WEREN'T crying, because you felt sorry for the people who actually live that way. You got comfort from your cast and people dumb enough to show up to the taping of your show, and 99.9% of America doesn't have that. Way to cash in on your fakeness.

In conclusion, I would strongly encourage you to use your influence to the best of your abilities. I won't assume that you are intentionally a negative influence... but you are. It doesn't have to be that way. You have the TZONE, but no one really knows about that. You have the ability to encourage to love who they are, NOT who magazine covers want them to be. TIME keeps naming you as one of the most influential people, and I can't disagree with that. But PLEASE use that influence for positive things, NOT negative.

I hope that you take this letter as tough criticism, and not something written by someone who took a big drink of Haterade. If you need any more advice, please feel free to come my way. I have plenty more to dish out. Thank you for your time, and keep hope alive.

Signed,

Verbal

When Vengeance Is Best Not Served At All...

I was going to write about a couple other things, but something happened yesterday that is stuck in my head... and it's still bothering me a little bit.
Here's some background. When I was in high school years ago, there were these guys that made it really hard for me to want to go to school. They picked on me and my brothers for any reason they could think of. They made fun of us, because we were short, skinny, fat, nerds, not sounding like we were black, etc. I had more than my fair share of fights with them, but things could have been a lot worse. Regardless, I grew to hate these guys. I mean I REALLY hated them. I wished a slow and painful death upon them. Some nights, I would go to sleep dreaming of ways that they could perish and hopefully burn in hell.

Fast forward to a month ago. I regularly visit the library, and the last few times, I saw this guy... do you ever do one of those things where you see a face, and you think that you recognize that person, then brush it off by saying something like "everyone looks like someone we know" and then call it a day? I did that the first few times. But the last time was different...

He was by himself this time... and I finally got a good look at his face. I knew him, and I knew exactly where I knew him from. Now was the time to say something to him.

I walked towards him, and called his name a few times. On the third call, he turned around. His face changed maybe two or three times in just a few seconds... he thought he knew me, but he wasn't sure how this happened.

"I know you... " he said.

I looked at him, and realized that life had not been kind to this person at all. He had leaves in his hair. His skin had blotches of what appeared to be mud. Judging from the odor, his skin and clothes had clearly not been washed in weeks. In his hands, he was carrying a couple plastic grocery bags that held clothes and pop cans. This man was homeless.

"Yeah, you do know me," I replied.

"How do I know you?"

"Do you remember back in high school when my brother tried out for the football team? You and your brother ran him off the field by yelling how fat he was, and you kept going for the rest of the year. When he told me about what you did, I hit you in the face with my science book. We fought, then you got your friends involved and kept picking on the two of us for the next year plus some."

"You... "

His face changed again to sheer disbelief. He looked down at the ground... I couldn't tell, but he looked like he was ready to cry.

I, too, was in shock. The person who stood before me was on the road to getting a football scholarship, and was smart enough to do something productive with his life, regardless of who he stepped on and crushed in the process. I had so many questions, but I couldn't put together the words to express to the person who was the bane of my existence... the person who I desperately wanted to help at that moment...

"I have to go, but I WILL see you around here again soon, right?"

He looked up, and didn't say anything. Then he looked back down, turned and walked away slowly.

This is stuck in my head, because those that know me know that I never forget, and that I hold grudges. I had not thought about this person in years, but when I saw him and realized how terrible his life had become, I KNOW how wrong this is, but... for a split second... I REALLY wanted to dance in his face. In that split second, everything that he and his friends had done for that long period came back to me, and I wanted him to know and feel as badly as I felt in high school.

But I couldn't do it.

As quickly as that thought came, it left. And I felt sorry for him... and I really wanted to help him.

Vengeance was not an option.

I'm not sure if it's because I want to help a fellow graduate, or if it's because of how terrible I feel about what I felt and thought for that split second... I really wanted to help him... and I still do.
I'm not sure of how to find him or figure out what happened... but I have ideas of how to figure everything out...

And I'm going to do everything that I can to find him, take him for a cup of coffee, find out his story, and see if I can help get him back on his feet...

I'm not even sure why I want to do this... or why I need to do this... but I'm going to try. I hope I didn't scare him to the point of not going back to the library again. And I hope he doesn't think that I'm in this to cause more pain on him.

If I find him again, we'll just see what happens...

The New Odd Couples... Brought to You By...

Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton??

Toby Keith and the Dixie Chicks??

Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingrich??

Not sure if you heard, but each of these pairs will be appearing TOGETHER in ads that promote the need to save the planet. As much bad blood exists between each of the pairings, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

See here.

As odd as these couples seem, do you know who brought each of them together?

Al Gore.

That's right. The boring, Nobel-winning, non-descript former VP, former presidential candidate Al Gore.

He personally and intentionally asked people from opposite sides of the political line to put away their differences and come together for one thing that they believed in. And it worked.

Now that's some real sh*t right there.

Barack...

Hillary...

John...

I hope all of you are paying attention. You wanna be a good president? You need to know how to bring together both sides of the aisle. That's what we (i.e. this country) need. When you get into the office, I hope you call Al first and take some notes on how to do it.

Props to the Whopper Guy!

In the day and age of most restaurants declaring that they would like to move toward more healthy menus, I must give great respect to Burger King.

You read that correctly. Much respect to whoppers and onion rings. Here is why. I'll use McDonald's as the example for most restaurants.

McDonald's took the brunt of the wrath of the health food industry. From every media outlet to movies like Supersize This!, McDonald's represented the evils of trans fat, too much salt, hydrogenated oils, and pretty much every disgusting substance that you shouldn't put in your body.

The result?

McDonald's started a campaign to show that it's TRYING to be healthier. They make sure people know that they use real chicken (as opposed to the chicken mix that comes in the white box with the black lettering that says "CHICKEN"?) and added more chicken sandwiches, they switched to using oils with no trans fats, and they added salads to the menu.

Sounds great, right?

What they didn't tell you is that they covered up the healthiness of the new chicken sandwiches with fattening marinades, fatty bread, and extra cheese. And they covered up the healthiness of the salads with dressings that were injected with extra fat.

So to bring that back to the original statement... this makes me respect Burger King even more.

Why?

Because they are comfortable with who they are.

In the middle of restaurants trying to be healthier, Burger King is doing the opposite. I can almost hear the Burger King CEO saying something like this:

"If people are eating at Burger King, they don't give a f*ck what they put in their system. They want fat foods? We'll help them out. How about a triple burger with extra cheese? F*ck the salads... we'll put extra salt on the fries and extra sauce on the whoppers! That's not enough? How about starting your day out right? Hey, you f*cks working in the food invention area... how about hooking up a breakfast with over 2,000 calories and 200 grams of fat in one serving? And can we hook that up with a cup of extra strong coffee? Once we do that, why don't we give people spoons so they can scoop up the fat out of the drains. If they don't want to suck it down that way, we can take the hardened fat and just glue in their fat *sses. Extra fat on the fat for those fat f*cks! And we'll make it easier by building Burger Kings at a faster rate than McDonald's and Starbucks combined! We'll be the Starbucks of heart attacks! At Burger King, they can have it their way, and we'll help out any way we can!"

I respect Burger King, because they don't cover up a d*mn thing. They know their food is made of fat, and you do too. They won't try to hide it. They know what the people want, and they'll go the extra step to give it to them, industry trends be d*mned. BK is comfortable in their own skin. McDonald's is clearly not. Gotta respect the King.

Of course, I still won't be eating there any time soon.

Des Moines, IA = My Kind of Town!

I'm homesick... again. It comes and goes. Sometimes, it has to do with things going on at home. Sometimes, it has to do with things that I'd like to get away from in Columbus. Sometimes, it's nothing more than wanting to see the people, places, and things I grew up with. Sometimes, it's all of the above. But the feeling always leaves after a while. It's a cycle. However, some people have actually wondered why I miss Des Moines... you know... that place in that state with only 50 residents that all grow potatoes and where people drive tractors to work. (BTW, Iowa grows corn, not potatoes.) So nothing against Columbus, NYC, Oxford, or Fort Lauderdale (all of which are deserving of their own lists), here are the top ten reasons to love Des Moines, in no particular order.

1) Maid-Rite Restaurants - I love sloppy joes. No... I REALLY love sloppy joes. If you're a fan of sloppy joes, this place is for you. If you're a fan of old-style restaurants, this place is for you. If you're a fan of restaurants that you will only find in one city or place, this place is for you.

2) Skywalk System - Des Moines is one of two (I think) cities in the US that has a skywalk system. If you don't know what that is, if you go into an elevator in a downtown building, and if the floor numbering goes like "1, 2, 2.5, 3," 2.5 is the skywalk connection. You can walk around downtown without getting any of the summer heat or winter cold. The skywalk is completely enclosed and circles most buildings and and crosses over most downtown streets. You get a nice view of the traffic below as well as the rest of downtown Des Moines. It's a unique and underappreciated thing about the city.

3) The gold dome - Des Moines has one of only two or three (I think) capital buildings with a gold dome. Most capital buildings look like oversized libraries, historical buildings, or prisons. But the Iowa capital building screams...

I AM THE CAPITAL!!! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN GO F*CK YOURSELF!!!

It's all because of the dome, even when it's under construction. Unlike Ohio's capital building or a number of other ones, you CANNOT mistake Iowa's capital building for anything else. That's how it should be.

4) Low travel time to other cities - Chicago, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, Omaha, Kansas City, St. Louis, and Indianapolis. And if you stretch a little further, Memphis, Little Rock, Oklahoma City, and Cincinnati. There was a joke a long time ago that one of the best things to do when you're in Des Moines is to pack your bags and get the f*ck out. Well, there is some truth to the joke, because all of these cities are within driving distance. Des Moines, as weird as it may sound, is a good city to live in if you love going on road trips. Not only that, but Des Moines is a crossroad for high-quality live entertainment because of its location. Most of the best performers put it down in Des Moines. Seriously... if Paul McCartney has to do a show in Minneapolis on Monday and Kansas City on Friday, he's going to stop in Des Moines on Wednesday, even if the show is as short as a smoke break. Location, location, location.

5) Water Works Park and Gray's Lake - Nature at its finest. Forget about the road that runs right between them. Instead, focus on the lake with the walkway going over it that lights up into a thousand different colors at night. Focus on the ponds where parents can take the kids fishing. Focus on the picnic tables and open grassy areas where you can have a relaxing picnic or party, read a book, take a nap, look at clouds, or participate in other park debauchery in your own "privacy." Focus on the trees, flowered spots, and ducks and geese that walk right up to you and either get some food or peck you in your forehead. Focus on the walking paths and horse stables. Focus on relaxation while you're in either of these spots.

6) Court Avenue - Restaurants. Clubs. Bars. River. Baseball stadium. Ampitheater. One of the things that make a city a metro city is all of these things in one area. Court Avenue is right in the middle of downtown. Like any other social district in the US, it can get boring if you show up every night for 365 days. However, in moderation, these things add to the city's charm. So if you ever stop in Des Moines, stay at the Hotel Fort Des Moines, eat at Buzzard Billy's, go dancing or get your drink on at any of the clubs, relax by the big green umbrella, take in a show at the Civic Center or Wells Fargo arena, go skywalking, and/or enjoy a night at the ampitheater if the weather is decent. While you're at it, tell Court Avenue that I sent you.

7) Something for everyone - Des Moines is right in the middle of Iowa. Iowa is overwhelmingly a small-town farming state. So a lot of the peoplewho live in Des Moines bring a small town frame of mind. On the other hand, there are a lot of people in Des Moines who come from larger cities, like Chicago, Minneapolis, and even Cincinnati, looking for life on the smaller scale. Drake University and a wide range of jobs play a role in attracting a diverse array of individuals. So this city with a metro population of around 500,000, you will find small town life, big city life, every age range, race, religion, sexual preference, background, lifestyle, and occupation under the sun. If you love living downtown, you can live in Des Moines. If you love the small town closeness, you can live in Des Moines. If you're someone who would rather live in the burbs, Des Moines has that and is still expanding. If you can't find at least a couple things you like about Des Moines, you need to get your head examined.

8) Big Tomato Pizza - Best f*cking pizza on the planet. They put anything you want on a pizza. If you go in and say "I want a seaweed pizza with chicken soup for sauce," they will ask you how long to cut the seaweed and if you want it delivered. After 10pm, they sell single slices. The best part about that is that you can go and watch all the drunk freaks and nutcases with the munchies get their grub on. Great food with unplanned entertainment. What more can you ask for?

9) Sports atmosphere - The ongoing debate will always be this... are you an Iowa fan or Iowa State fan? However, there will always been divides between the Cubs, White Sox, Twins, Cardinals, Royals, Bears, Vikings, Packers, Rams, Chiefs, Bulls, and Timberwolves. Of course, you can't ever forget about the Iowa Cubs and Sec Taylor Stadium. High school sports in general (wrestling, football, track, and boys and girls basketball in particular) have always generated a lof of emotion and bitter feelings among Iowans. If you love sports, you'll love Des Moines and its uber-competitive envirtionment. In every sports bar, you will find someone who is with you or against you.

10) Des Moines is home. I grew up there. Most of my family, some of my friends, and a good portion of memories will always be there. That's all I gotta say about that.

Honorable mention - Drake Relays

Today in Biznessssssss...

I came across an article that was interesting. The idea of the article is that there are a number of businesses that will probably disappear in a year or two. It was interesting to me, because I have no business sense... but I'm familiar with nearly every business that was listed. Go figure. Anyway, here is the list. Enjoy the businesses while they are still around.

**Note - I'm no business analyst, so don't put any stock into anything that is about to be said.**

1) XM Satellite - No surprise. I don't know a single person who has an XM radio. Snoop Dogg's cartoon with the gold tooth couldn't help them a while ago, and nothing can save them now. In the meantime, go buy yourself a Sirius radio, and tell Howard Stern I said hi.

2) E*Trade - Don't know anything about stocks. Don't know anything about internet stock brokers. Don't know anything about trading stocks through an internet broker. Next.

3) K-Mart - You know who this one will hurt the most? Martha Stewart. Where is she going to sell her bedsheets and doilies if K-Mart disappears?

4) Dodge - This is no surprise either. When people talk about their cars, what do you hear?

"Yeah... that's a nice Chevy."

"Does that Honda really get that kind of mileage?"

Here's something you never hear...

"Can't wait to cruise in my Dodge."

The last time you heard that was when Al Bundy pimped his hoopty Dodge to its millionth mile. The new Dodge Chargers are pretty hot, but I'd rather be driving other cars. Besides... it's a Dodge.

5) Circuit City - I don't know anything about Circuit City. I've never been in one, and the ones I have heard about were pretty ghetto. And Best Buy has always been good to me. If Circuit City disappears, I wouldn't care at all. Although I may show up during their "going out of business" sale and see if I can get a 100 inch TV for 50 bucks.

6) Gateway - They still make Gateway computers?

7) Vonage - You know what I'll miss most about Vonage? The commercials. Those things were funny. And on top of that, their music stuck in your head for too d*mn long.

WOO HOO! WOO HOO HOO!

8) Yahoo! - The thing about Yahoo is that it won't completely disappear. Microsoft is planning on buying out Yahoo. Do you know what that means?

BILL GATES WILL OWN PEOPLE'S THOUGHTS!!!

That's right! He already owns your main operating system! Now he'll own the place where we talk! All of the words typed on 360 will be the property of one of the richest men on the planet! How do you think they'll like that?!?!

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

9) Old Navy - Okay... this one would hurt a little bit. Old Navy is a good brand made for cheap b*st*rds like me. It's the only name brand that I will happily wear. If Old Navy disappears, life will still be okay. Steve and Barry's makes good, cheap clothes. And if they get expensive, I have no problem bringing back the loin cloth. Would that be considered retro?

10) Countrywide - I can't even joke about Countrywide. They deserve to disappear. They are a big reason the housing situation is the way it is across the country. F*ck Countrywide. Next.

11) Motorola - Motorola makes some nice toys... they also made my life hell when I worked with them through a state contract (long story). You know who else makes nice toys? LG and Samsung. It's been a nice ride. Time for the next generation.